Rush Limbaugh Loses 3 Pounds
Notorious right-wing blowhard sheds the weight as a result of a prank gone "right." Al Franken suspected as the trickster who switched painkillers to which Limbaugh is addicted for diet pills.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 December 2008
Federal Government Orders More Buckets
The enormous challenge of bailing out the economy has severely taxed the current U.S. bucket reserve. Halliburton is rumored to be the recipient of the lucrative new bucket contract.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 December 2008
Ann Coulter To Donate Her Adam's Apple To Science
She says genetic analysis of her prominent anatomical feature will prove once and for all the existence of Adam, the first man on the face of the planet.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 December 2008
Citigroup Umbrella Confiscated By U.S. Government
The widely recognized logo, slated to be re-acquired by Travelers, will now symbolize the protection the Federal government provided to Citigroup and other formerly powerful financial institutions.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 December 2008
Demand Side Economics - Ramen Noodle Stocks Soar
Perennial Wall Street Favorite - As bouillion juice "trickles down" American chins, money saved purchasing the savory soups is expected to "trickle up" over time, providing needed economic stimulus.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 December 2008
Bush to Save Economy Par Le Pied
Inspired by the run on number 10 shoes, the President has volunteered to be placed in a stock while representatives from various industries throw samples of their merchandise at him.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Excessive Aspartame Consumption Triggers Celestial Events
HOLLYWOOD - Sightings of giant asteroids have increased greatly in recent years. Scientists speculate that they may be related to aspartame consumption.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Winter Storm Optimist
A winter storm packing snow, ice and bitter winds cut power to thousands in New England today. "At least we'll have a white Christmas", stated one optimist, hanging upside down in his overturned car.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
18,000 Marriages Annuled
The California Supreme Court has been asked to nullify 18,000 gay marriages performed in 2008 before law preventing it was approved. "Why, we've been living in sin for six months", cried one couple.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Obama's Top Choices
Yesterday in Washington, Barack Obama named his four top members of his science team and then named his ten all-time best list of baseball players, saying that he plans to pardon Shoeless Joe Jackson.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Beg Three Automakers
The nation's Top Three automakers received their 17.4 billion in emergency rescue loans from President Bush yesterday and today got their hats back out and began following around Barack Obama.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Too Many Fat People in New York: Final Solution
STATE HOUSE - A well-placed source revealed a plan to rid the state of fat people, using the device of aspartame. All beige food to be sold in NY shall contain a minimum aspartame content .
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
City to Tax Heroine
NEW YORK - City Fathers today announced a plan to tax Heroine cut with sugar. Heroine cut with aspartame will be tax-exempt.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Disturbing Street Drug Trend? Or XXXmas Miracle?
NEW YORK - Addicts across the city are turning up dead in city emergency rooms, dead from an overdose of crack/aspartame. The aspartame amplifies the effect of the mix, killing the scumbags.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Aspartame Market Takes Off
Aspartame futures spiked today on news that New York, home to tons of fat people, will force aspartame on its population through a regressive tax on real food. The skids are greased for the measure.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
National Gaurd Responds to Mob at State House
Black helicopters spraying concentrated aspartame spray broke up a riot at the state house today as mobs of fat people were dispersed, some holding bottles of real soda they had taken.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Uncle Aspartame Injured in Scuffle with Fan
A fan singing "It will kill the little fish-es", attacked Uncle Aspartame today, sending him to the hospital for five stitches. The Fan had received a curt reply to his last letter to the column.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Bush Response to Pet Morals Complaint
When whimpy liberal reporters asked Bush about his seeming abuse of his dog, reported in TheSpoof, he redounded, "The dog was humping MY leg...MY leg...it's MY leg.. Bring in ON!"
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Angry Fat Crowds Enter New York State House Kitchen
Angry fat mobs entered the State House kitchen and ate all the real food. Boxes of aspartame were dumped on the floor. Size 70 underpants were hurled at guards, whereupon several guards fainted.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 December 2008
Free Tips from Herod
Herod's of Knightsbridge will be offering free circumcisions to all baby boys born December 25th.
written by JAB, 20 December 2008
Lewinsky on Clinton Donor List
Monica Lewinsky's name, appears as a contributor to the William J.Clinton Foundation,it's believed she gave lip service in lieu of money.
written by JAB, 20 December 2008
Thong Search Censored
A judge in Washington, DC has ordered that the results of a Reagan Airport thong search last week be kept private.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Cookie Stock Crumbles
Economic slump hits Mrs. Fields as cookie stocks crumble. The company has also asked congress for more dough.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
New Invisible Cloat Works Well
Vice President Cheney says new "Invisible Cloak" he's worn for the past year has worked great. "I also got a great price for the test suit from Bill Clinton, who outbid Senator Craig."
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Ahmadinejad Loony As Ever
Iran's President Ahmadinejad vowed this morning that Iran would be the first muslim country to put a satellite, Israel into orbit.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Clowns Ready For U.S. Attack
In a practice session for when there's a red alert from Homeland Security, clowns at Barnum & Baily/Ringling Brothers Circus in Florida were told to set their pies on piping hot!
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
President Observes Hanukkah
This past week President Bush threw an early Hanukkah Party. When seeing the eight candles lit on the Hanukkah Menorah, he stated "Aw, you've lit one for each year of my presidency."
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Monks Silent As Fruitcakes
Three monks were severly injured in Gethsemane Abbey in Kentucky where a rack of fresh made fruitcakes toppled over and the racks collapsed on Thursday. There was no comment from the monks.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
NYC Frozen Facelifts
Thousands of New Yorkers with face-lifts suffer from face completely frozen during recent extreme cold. Most look like Data's family photos.
written by Bureau, 20 December 2008
Sudanese woman wins award
London-based nutrition guru Winnie O'Dinga has won the Slimmer's World annual award for the most successful weight reduction plan with her "Lose 10 Stones in a Month Darfur Diet" programme.
written by Rusty, 20 December 2008
Man bites dog
A Sussex man has been charged with cruelty towards his pet dog. "Well he bit me first" the defendant claimed. "What else was I going to do? Lick his private parts or something." The dog won costs.
written by whatinthe world, 20 December 2008
Paris Hilton to sue Paris Hilton
Celebrity superstar Paris Hilton is to sue the Paris Hilton Hotel for refusing her room service while staying there two years ago. She said that Hotel management were too busy looking after Tom Cruise
written by whatinthe world, 20 December 2008
Policeman walks backward for Christmas
Constable Arthur Pew Walrus Titty has discovered the joy of walking backwards and will complete his first solo trek from Chester to Crewe, a distance of 290 kilometres. Somebody get him a doctor!
written by whatinthe world, 20 December 2008
Blagojevich declares innocence, won't resign
"except for a price" asks American people to "Lets make a deal" bidding stars at one million
written by disciple, 20 December 2008
No.11. Revamp.
Deckchairs have been re-arranged at No.11 Downing St. The band have had their season extended and will continue to play on.
written by jeremy griffiths, 20 December 2008
