Cracking the debt ceiling will increase global warming, say Tea Party scientists

Written by Michael Balton

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

image for Cracking the debt ceiling will increase global warming, say Tea Party scientists

America will face an environmental disaster if Congress and the Obama administration fail to reach a compromise on whether or not to increase the debt ceiling. So says a position paper released recently by the scientific arm of the American Tea Party.

Titled "Debt, Doubt, Climate Change & Chump Change," the report contends that even minor cracks in the debt ceiling will allow a significantly extra amount of UV rays from the sun to enter Earth's atmosphere and contribute to global warming.

"We estimate that the debt ceiling is currently floating just above the upper regions of the stratosphere," said Roger Billetsby, Administrator and Chief Bagger of the Tea Party's God Sciences Committee.

"That's where it needs to be to keep our economic system within the gravitational pull of the Earth, while blocking out the harmful solar rays that contribute to climate change."

The Tea Party report predicts that "catastrophic climatological changes" will take place immediately if Congress and the president don't reach an agreement on the debt limit by the August 2 deadline.

"Just recall what God did in that movie, The Ten Commandments, and multiply it by ten thousand," Billetsby said. "This is going to make the parting of the Red Sea look like the wave pool at Great Adventure."

The Tea Party report went on to predict other consequences of a breach in the debt ceiling. "Skin cancer, heatstroke, sunburn, and UV damage to property and people will all rise exponentially," the position paper said. In Him "Without the debt ceiling to shield us, the sun is not our friend; it's the enemy of mankind."

Michele Bachmann, the Tea Party's leading presidential candidate recommended a nuclear strike on the sun "so it will not interfere with our political freedoms anymore."

She added: "The Founding Fathers didn't fight in two world wars so that some fireball in the sky could have its way with us."

Tea Party flag bearer Sarah Palin, meanwhile, suggested that the president and Congress "get together and go on a commercial fishing trip to Alaska."

Palin explained: "Getting into a wet hold with a baseball bat and 200 oversize halibut has a way of clearing your mind."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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