Children Who Eat Alpha-Bits Cereal 30% Smarter Than Those Who Don't

Funny story written by Charpa93

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

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Here is another story about your tax dollars being put to good use. A research scientist in Battle Creek, Michigan, home of a couple of the largest cereal manufacturers in the United States, has just concluded a year-long study into the effects certain cereals have on young minds.

In this particular study, the cereal known as Alpha-Bits was used as the testing tool. While not completely conclusive, the results of the tests were interesting and every bit worth the $2.1 million dollar grant money asked for by John Trankleman (I-Michigan).

Two thousand children from the ages of 3-7 across America, from every background and ethnicity were split into two groups. The first group was fed Alpha-Bits five times a week. The other group ate breakfasts consisting of anything from ice cream to leftover pizza to whatever was left in the fridge from the night before.

After one year, all of the children were given a battery of IQ as well as socio- and psychological tests.

The results were as follows:

  • The group receiving Alpha-Bits in their diets showed an increase in intelligence on average of 30% over those who ate crap.
  • The group receiving no cereal in their diets craved cereal.
  • Some children in the group eating Alpha-Bits cereal became somewhat malnourished due to the fact that they played with their food rather than ate it.
  • None of the children in the cereal-eating group at the end of the test period could not count higher than 10 due to the fact that they were only exposed to their ABC's and nothing else.
  • Due to the fact that some alphabet letters were damaged in shipping and had pieces broken off, children believed that there were more than 26 letters in the alphabet.

While most Americans are angry that these type of government grants are allowed to continue when the country's economy is already stretched to the limit, the researchers are quick to point out the merits of such a study.

The research paper concludes with this statement "We conclude with this study that if every child in America were to eat Alpha-Bits during their formative years, they would turn out ok."

The same group has put in another grant request to study socio- and psychological effects that Fruity Pebbles have on young adolescent males with regards to their sexual development.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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