LEC Slated To Begin Smashing This Summer

Written by Frank Michaels

Sunday, 4 April 2010

image for LEC Slated To Begin Smashing This Summer
Broke Leg Mountain, Colorado, US

It appears that the world of science and politics are about to meet head-on, and the result may be the biggest explosion in recorded history.

Deep under the mountains of Colorado, engineers and construction crews have been working long hours to complete the Large Extremist Collider, or LEC for short. The device, which will apply extremism against itself, is touted as a possible answer to abundant and cheap energy on a global scale.

Dr. Harry Hancock, who is the lead scientist for the LEC project, stands on the threshold of seeing a lifetime of effort come to fruition with the first tests scheduled to begin before the summer of this year. "Extremism is the most abundant energy resource in the universe and it shows no evidence of abating."

The plan is to accelerate two extremists of opposite polarities and smash them together in the middle of a special energy-collection building that somewhat resembles the ancient arena in Rome, Italy. A portion of energy released will be transferred to several thousand politically neutral spectators and then be channeled into the sales of expensive program booklets, buttered popcorn and draught beer.

"The human waste from the snack food and booze, and then thousands of discarded programs, will be incinerated creating an additional burst of energy for the national power grid. It's entirely win-win." explained Dr. Hancock.

The first test will be fueled by attempting to smash together the Reverend Pat Robertson and former US Democratic National Convention chairman, Howard Dean. The resulting energy release is expected to equal about 150 million terajoules of electricity... or half of what is required to survive a single shopping excursion during Christmas season.

Other extremists slated for the LEC include Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Binyamin Netanyahu, Al Gore and George W. Bush, Kim Jong Il and Dick Cheney.

Also, there will be tests using less well-known extremists, but still with the potential for impressive results. "We may eventually lock in on the entire fan bases of NASCAR and Wimbledon." offered Dr. Hancock in closing. "If we can make a real go of this, who knows? We may someday smash Dog (the bounty hunter) Chapman into Judge Judy and light up half the galaxy!"

The Large Extremist Collider is located 4.8 miles under Broke Leg Mountain, Colorado, USA.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more