Census Bureau Sued for Unfair Labor Practices

Funny story written by Fuzzy Duffy

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

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Washington, DC: Hundreds of current and former 2010 Census workers filed a class action law suit today in Federal District Court charging the United States Census Bureau with a pattern of unfair labor practices against its employees.

Specific details of the lawsuit were yet to be released at press time, however, lawyers for the plaintiffs announced to the press via conference call, "The Census Bureau has and is enforcing a series of unrealistic and impossible standards on its employees under the guise of standard business practices that make it difficult for its employees to excel. These standards, while enforced relatively uniformly, are arbitrary and capricious in nature, and, as we contend will be proven in Court, specifically directed at weeding out the newest and most inexperienced employees in an attempt to control payroll expenses."

The lawyers charged the Bureau is "systematically targeting the most vulnerable of its employees" in an effort to force them to perform workloads far in excess of those placed on other federal workers, "all at a much lower wage than they would pay anywhere else in the public sector.

An unidentified government official close to the case expressed concerns about the Bureau's actions in the case, "The Census is being run by one of the most professional, dedicated, group of public administrators anywhere. This is unusual itself in government and may be the root of the problem. They seem to be stuck in the past and adverse to innovation. They simply refuse to understand that the expectations of the modern workforce are different today than they were 20, or even 10 years ago. This inability to adapt has directly lead to this lawsuit, and may spell further problems for the Bureau in the future."

Many plaintiffs in the case made themselves available to the media, telling their stories of the Bureau's alleged abuses. "I was just like going out to eat or somethin', man," said one plaintiff in the case. "You know I was like hungry and stuff, so I was like lookin' for food, man. You know, I had the muchies bad and I was like jonesing for some grindage. So I go out in search of some sustenance, you know, and I come back and they start bitchin' about me being like two hours late or something, man. So, I go like, 'Well, yeah," and they start up with this junk out it being the third time this week, and I haven't even been here a month, and junk. I said said, 'I don't need this crap, man,' now I'm out a job."

Another victim retold a story of Census supervisors terminating employees for using the bathroom. "I had this friend who was out canvassing all day. He came back into the office and said he had to go to the bathroom. Well, the bathroom in this place is like two miles across the room, so he just goes and pees in a coffee cup and left it on the side of his desk like we all do. Well, some busy body supervisor comes up and goes, "Joe, why don't us use the bathroom?" And, Joe goes, "Why don't you shut your mouth and go empty my cup." Then, Joe gets written up! I'm so scared to do anything now, it's like I'm working in 1960's Nazi Canada or something."

Even more serious accusations were made by several employees claiming nebulous Bureau policies cost them several days pay. "I showed up on Monday and filled out my paperwork, and during the orientation they told me the job was 40 hours a week Monday through Friday. So, I go home and come back on Friday for my check, and I only get paid for one day! I mean, what's up with that? So, they start telling me about a bunch of rules about me having to some up there EVERY DAY, and do just what they say to get paid. Where's that written down? I never heard of anything like that in my life! What the hell do these morons expect for $23 an hour?"

Multiple employees came forward alleging older, more experienced workers discriminate against younger employees based on their lifestyles. "So, I'm there at work, just like I'm supposed to be, sitting just where I'm supposed to be, and this bitch comes up to me and starts going at me about all the phones ringing. I go, 'Well, yeah. I heard them to. That's why I'm TEXTING.' Well, she says, real bitchy, 'You're the receptionist, answer them.' So, I go, 'HELLO!!! I have something called a LIFE. You might want to try one out.' It's not my fault I'm not old and fat like her and nobody wants to talk to her. I was even nice to the old hag, and told her that if it was important they'd call back, but that was like not enough for her. No, she wanted me to answer them right then. She didn't even care Sara's boyfriend didn't text her at lunch. So, now I'm supposed to leave my friend handing just so I can talk to a bunch of people on the phone about stuff I don't even care about. I DON'T THINK SO! So, I tell her that if the phones ringing gets her panties in such a bunch, then she can go answer them herself. So, now, it's like I'm the bad guy and she just sits there staring at me all day."

White House officials expressed optimism the case would be resolved before reaching court, "America has the finest, most productive workers in the world. If we just sit down together and give them whatever they want, no matter what the cost, we feel confident this problem will never happen again."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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