Cosmologist proves existence of God

Written by Helen Tarnation

Saturday, 19 December 2009

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Quantum 'God effect' detected

It's long been considered gospel among scientists that God has no role in the measurement and description of phenomena, but a discovery by a cosmologist and his quantum mechanics at the University of Göthersleben has changed that forever.

'We were running experiments on a gallium arsenide substrate doped with cesium, hoping to replicate aspects of the Big Bang', said Heinrich Dietrich, Ph.D., director of the program. 'We kept getting strange results.'

Most cosmologists agree that the universe, or at least, the present universe, began in an event called the 'Big Bang'. At the moment of the Big Bang, the universe expanded from an infinitely dense mathematical point to nearly all of its present volume in less than a billionth of a second.

Some claim that God set off the explosion, but until now, no equation describing the first nanoseconds of the universe included God as a variable, nor needed to.

What is now known as the 'quantum God effect' was discovered when Dietrich, a cosmologist, was confounded by the results consistently obtained by his quantum mechanics during their latest set of experiments.

'The wave functions described by the wobble of the cesium atoms went linear at non-random intervals', Dietrich said. 'After correlating for every variable involved in the experiments, we went looking for external influences -- and we found them.'

One of the mechanics, an atheist, consistently got results predicted by the sum-of-all histories interpretation of quantum physics. When joined by the other mechanic, a devout Jew, the results were consistent with the Copenhagen interpretation instead.

What it comes down to is a validation of the Schrödinger's cat hypothesis.

The Schrödinger's cat hypothesis was devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935. It illustrates what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects. Broadly stated, a quantum superposition is the combination of all the possible states of a system, and implies that the superposition undergoes collapse into a definite state only at the exact moment of quantum measurement.

Or, in this case, worship by a quantum mechanic.

'At the time of the Big Bang, God both does exist, and does not exist,' Dietrich explains, 'and He remains in that quantum state until worshipped -- at which point his probability function comes into a state of existence just as real as the existence of the universe itself.'

'What is telling in this case is that worship functions in the same way as observation', Dietrich added. 'This proves that worship is the actual equivalent of seeing God. If God were not there, He would not have a quantum state.'

Dietrich's laboratory at the University of Göthersleben is now surrounded 24 hours a day by throngs of worshippers, who refuse to depart. Relief agencies are supplying them with food, water, blankets, and other basics.

'All these worshippers are affecting the other experiments we have running', Dietrich said. 'We'll have to completely rewrite quantum physics before this is all over with.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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