Physicists "Had Enough of Quantum Physics"

Funny story written by JP Johnston

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

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Bring Back Isaac Newton

Despite the excitement being generated in some quarters by the Large Hadron Collider, the Internationaler Symposion Von Quantum Physic which took place in nearby Geneva this week declared in a statement to the press "Bugger quantum theory. Bugger it."

Professor Julian Kallander of the Institut Fur Interessanter Forschung in Bad-Durchfall, Germany, explained, "Unlike the classical world we are all familiar with, where we have things like mangoes or seals, or nubile young prostitutes, hmmm, objects in the quantum world, like electrons, can be in more than one place at the same time. Sometimes, completely contrary to our instincts and logic, cause can follow effect, objects can move back in time, things go pinging off in non-existent directions, and we find it very perplexing. In fact, physicists from all over the world are totally pissed off with it."

Quantum physics was first proposed by Max Planck. "He was an awkward bastard," says Kallander, "And he made up the duality of waves and things just to be difficult. And now we are sick of playing his game. Fuck Max Planck. Fuck Paul Dirac, Werner Heisenberg, and totally butt-fuck Schroedinger and his stupid cat. God does not play dice with the universe. We would all be thrown around and badly injured. It stands to reason."

The Symposion's joint statement concluded that "We have enough machines and things. Why do we need quantum computers? What kind of games need quantum processing? What is wrong with playing Packman or something of that kind? We don't need this quantum shit. We could go back to the old pool balls hitting off each other and they go down the pockets and not back up out of them, or behind the ball that hit them, or turn up on some other table. It's all a fucking nuisance and we don't need it."

Science Journalists and teachers present applauded the statement, saying they are glad they don't have to try to "explain that shit to morons any more".

The Pope also praised the statement. "Dank sei Gott," he said in a Papal Bull Session, "I thought they were going to be hitting the truth about where Jesus went any minute. Now we can shut down the damn collider before he comes back and screws everything up."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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