San Fransisco, CA: Prominent atheist groups met this week to announce the formulation of a positive promotional icon to represent their cause to children this holiday season. According to the group, the new icon will attempt not only to change the public's perception of the atheist movement, but offer more educational and socially conscious gift alternatives to children.
The spokesperson for the group, and internationally known atheist, said, "Every year atheists are at a distinct disadvantage during the Solstice Season. The simple fact is Santa Clause is the best propaganda tool the Christians have to bribe their children into church once a year and extort at least a month and a half of relatively tolerable behavior out of them. The simple answer to this problem would simply be to abort all these useless eaters before they were born and replace them with more earth friendly beings such as dolphins and otters, or at lease implement a dedicated eugenics program to prevent those less enlightened than us from breeding. However, since the courts are just as dedicated to the illogical and unnatural concept of humans being better than other life forms for some unknown reason, as the unwashed religious masses are to cranking out kids, these solutions are still years away. Additionally, our annual attempts to ruin the Holiday Season for everyone by complaining endlessly about retailers pandering to religious shoppers, and pushing frivolous lawsuits attempting to ban anyone from thinking contrary to our personal beliefs, many children view the atheist movement as 'not fun.'
"Well, all that is changing today with the creation of Godless Joe, the Solstice Icon for the New Millennium. Joe will spearhead our efforts to bring children to the reality that there is nothing more to life than eating, sleeping, and defecating, and urge them to follow our dictates of societal norms and morality rather than the outdated and unfounded notions of the past or their personal consciences. We feel confident that by the end of the year, Godless Joe will be spreading our message in almost every shopping mall in America."
According to sources, Godless Joe will not hand out presents to children in the traditional sense. Rather, he will distribute "Let's Spend Christmas Alone and Crying" coloring books, "The Preschoolers' Guide to Playground Sexual Harassment," and "Mom, Dad, Grandma, and You are All Going to Die and Be Gone Forever" pop up book. "See," said one enthusiastic promoter of the book. "You pull the little tab and Granny's casket slides down into the grave. Then it just lays there for page after page after page. What an inspiring message!"
Some selected Godless Joes will offer the kids small wrapped boxes marked "Candy" with a large red and green embossed cross. Children will be required to rummage through Joe's pockets, as he moans loudly, to get the gifts, only to find the boxes are empty. Joe will then laugh and point at the crying children. Select boxes will also contain a cyanide capsule with a note, "See if anyone cares."