Merger creates new Church of America

Funny story written by Alexandria177

Thursday, 22 October 2009

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The Church of America wants YOU - to stop sinning!

Salt Lake City, Utah - In an unprecedented merger, expected to have massive ramifications for spirituality in America, several major off-brand sects of Christianity have all joined together into one monolithic faith.

At a summit held by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints here in Utah, several other faiths were invited, all with one thing in common - an American origin.

Invited were the Seventh Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses and the First Church of Christ, Scientist. At stake, how to come together as one body of worshippers, under God, while still maintaining their own ideological purities.

In a three month closed door session, the representatives from each of these faiths - usually known as "cults" by their detractors - were actually able to hammer out their differences, thus becoming a religious entity of over 30 million worshippers.

Now that they are larger than any other group of Protestantism in America (with the exception of the Baptists as a whole), they are looking forward to more respect, and greater ease in passing appropriate legislation protecting their interests. They also plan to all move to Utah and secede as the Republic of Gilead.

It has not been without cost, though. The new faith is called Jehovah's Seventh Latter Day Saints of the Church of America, Scientist (Church of America for short). And due to their common origins, they blend a series of beliefs, odd in themselves, to an even odder amalgam.

The new church will worship on Saturday in a nod to the Adventists. They will regularly require all members to go door to door spreading the word - this was for the Witnesses. They will refuse all medical treatment whatsoever, this was for the Christian Scientists. And in what is expected to be the largest controversy, they all will be polygamists, as the Latter Day Saints say they are tired of pretending they're not.

"And heck fire, we sure are big enough to do that now!", said a Latter Day Saint. "And if them gays can marry, why can't we marry two women?"

As to the last delicate issue, that of the reverence due the past founders of each faith, many of which are regarded as holy, it was decided to announce that Joseph Smith, Ellen White, Charles Russel and Mary Baker Eddy were all in a group marriage with each other, and were in effect a "family of inspired prophets". It will be taught that the Book of Mormon, America in Prophecy and Science and Health were all writings found on the golden plates of Nephi, brought down to Earth by an angel.

There next goal is to assimilate the now lesser faiths of Methodism, Presbyterianism and Lutheranism, before expanding out of Utah to reclaim America for the Godly.

There will be no attempt to redeem L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology. Frankly, the consensus was that they were too crazy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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