Holyrood Palace - (Karmic Ass Mess): Scientists are warning that ominous solar activity and a surge in hot weather is playing havoc with the Queen's pacemaker.
The Earth's July 4, Independence Day solar aphelion could effectively jam the microwave transmissions that power HM's cardiac gadget, according to the RAF Menwith Balls MoD listening station.
"Lots of over-hyped royal geriatrics are feeling the heat," GCHQ Professor of Parasitology Dr V Smart commented today.
"And yes - hahaha's excluded! - there would be a piquant poignancy if Old Fatty Mountbatten's hoary ticker were to fail on this seminal American national holiday!"
President Barack Obama is sweating profusely.