Rush Limbaugh Collapses Into Black Hole

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 13 March 2009

image for Rush Limbaugh Collapses Into Black Hole
Limbaugh will now wander the universe forever, following a mass-driven trajectory, consuming everything in his path.

BERKELEY, CA - Today at his home in Florida, as predicted by physicists, Rush Limbaugh finally succumbed to the forces of gravity. "We knew it was coming. We just didn't know when," says physicist Stephen Kinghawk.

The last person to see the media juggernaut was a Chinese take-out delivery driver who brought him lunch. Though Limbaugh missed his show and had several important meetings, no one has seen or heard from him since.

At his home, police found three empty boxes of Chinese food on his kitchen counter and a fourth still in the bag, untouched. A fifth partially eaten box and a fork were found on the floor. "This is a clear indication Limbaugh has become a black hole," says Kinghawk.

"What happened is actually quite simple. As his morbid obesity advanced to a state of grotesque obesity, his skeletal structure struggled to maintain the ponderous mass it was supporting. Having already consumed Szechuan Beef, Beef with Vegetable-Beef, and Three Beef Happiness, Limbaugh was already dangerously close to the so-called critical mass. As he began working his way through the chicken entrees, he achieved critical mass with a tremendous Kung-Pao!! as his body overwhelmed his skeleton, collapsing in on itself under the force of gravity. Then, he snuffed out of sight."

Kinghawk added, "At least now, no sound waves can escape from him. Or light, for that matter. It's a fitting end, really. Rush Limbaugh was never a team player. He was a one man show. And now, he's a singularity."

Quantum scientists and mathematicians predict the black hole formerly known as Rush Limbaugh has a right spin of -1.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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