An Ass Tax is Riding into Town

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Wednesday, 8 June 2022

image for An Ass Tax is Riding into Town
I'd Tax That Ass!

There are more cows and sheep than people in New Zealand. And those animals (not the people) have been getting a free ride for too long.

Get ready for the ass tax!

Greenhouse gas emission, especially methane, from the assholes of cows and the burps of sheep will be taxed so that the ozone can start to repair and people can eat burgers and lamb again without having to swallow a lotta bullshit.

But, this reporter asks: who’s next? Do New Zealanders really eat that much cow and sheep? And if so, what the hell is coming out of their assholes? Will they be seeing a personal body tax very soon?

Now the conspiracy theorist in me says: Hang on a minute, there’s always a story behind the story.

Tax a naturally-produced bodily gas? Trying to stuff all that stank back up our hoops and down our throats? Haven’t we swallowed enough during Covid?

Wait – that’s it!

The Covid masks kept our burps confined. Pants, shorts, bikinis, Cosplay costumes, butt plugs – all these forms of clothing and accessories confine farts, so no worries there. Plugging up our natural gases and odours are what the forces of government and medicine have in mind for us.

But these days we’re all asking: what’s next?

Tax on the ass ... for you and me. Tax on burps, sharts, boogers, menstrual blood, sweat, snot, spit, piss and vinegar, shit, piss, mucus, tears – even the tears of a clown?! Monsters!

Everything your body produces you will soon be responsible for, and taxed on. Everything. So plug it up or you’ll lose the house and car! And if you explode from all this unescaped gas, God help us all ... if you survive, you’ll be taxed up the ass – literally and figuratively.

So enjoy that burger while you can ... human meat, long pig, gas bag.

Any way the law and economy can get more money out of you, they’ll do it. New Zealand has paved the way. We will soon be recycling out farts by shitting into special containers, and then those farts will fuel the nation!

Wait a minute – what am I saying?!

Thank you, New Zealand, you may have just single-handedly solved all energy crises. Except, of course, that we’ve all gotta pay before we can profit.

Best to save all your farts now in a jar or balloon and have it ready for when the tax man comes trotting by on his farting cow.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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