There’s a new monster in town … and it’s adorable!
Genetic experiments at Northwestern University (Go Wildcats!) have turned a cute and cuddly hamster into a blood-thirsty Antifa Commie bastard who is ready willing and able to devour other hamsters – or even your children!
One of the researchers, who oddly had the last name ‘Mengele’, said to this reporter, “Vee like zee hamsters. Zey will make gut little soldiers fer zee coming Reich! I mean, fer America’s ongoing war on … vatever you got, baby!”
Yes, that’s right. America has long been working on making people into killing machines. Think of the CIA experiments in the 1950s and 60s giving African-American soldiers LSD to see if they became zombie killers.
Think this is a shlocky B-horror movie? Nope – this is America, bitches! We is crazy out here!
Soon, the hamsters will take over YOUR CITY and YOUR TOWN and have premarital relations with YOUR DAUGHTER OR SON … and given the current trend of ‘no abortions for anyone’, when a lust-crazed hamster knocks up your daughter, she has to carry the freak GMO baby to term!
Say hello to your little grandkid, daddy and mommy! This is how hamsters will soon take over America – and cover it with wood chips and hamster wheels and those upside-down water bottles!
Get ready for Hamster Hell!
