Strange sightings of breath mint-shaped objects continue to puzzle officials

Funny story written by Jas Guipe

Saturday, 25 July 2020

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Pentagon officials are at a loss to explain a flood of reports of breath mint-shaped objects flying over U.S. military bases. Following the 2017 release of the now famous Tic Tac video, sightings of similar objects have increased dramatically. Now, Defense Department officials are ready to concede the objects may be, “off-world vehicles not made on this earth”.

“Who on this earth would design a flying object shaped like a breath-freshening candy? They must originate from some other world. Perhaps a world of crisp, icy coolness,” said one anonymous Pentagon official.

In addition to the Tic Tac encounter, witnesses of other sightings describe a Lifesaver-shaped object.

“This object definitely had a hole in it,” said one Navy pilot. “It flew right over me, coming within 200 feet of my aircraft, and I peered right up through the center of it. At that moment, what I can only describe as an explosion of frosty freshness washed over me and my aircraft.”

Pilots on patrol near the Arctic Circle describe a similar experience. However, in addition to maneuvering through the air in ways that defy the known laws of physics, these objects were also able to plunge into the icy ocean waters.

“The object resembled an Ice Breakers Mint. The entire outer shell of the craft appeared to be dotted with sparkling crystals, from which flowed an invigorating rush of coolness. Far from freaking out, our entire formation was overcome with a sense of icy calm. Whatever these things are, they seem pretty chill,” said the anonymous pilot.

In spite of the visitors' otherworldly ability to deliver freshness wherever they go, government officials would still like to know where they come from, and why they’re here.

“We don’t know much about their world, except that it probably experiences only two seasons: Wint O Green and Pep O Mint,” said the Pentagon official. “So far, though, they seem pretty peaceful. Unless they’ve come to conquer our world by freshening the shit out of it.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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