Young men having no sex on the rise. Older men suddenly feeling better about their younger sex lives also increasing.

Written by Jas Guipe

Thursday, 4 April 2019

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Recent numbers from the General Social Survey reveal the number of twenty-something men having no sex over the past year has nearly tripled from ten years ago to almost 30%. Bad news for a generation of men embarking on adulthood. Encouraging news for older men who once looked back at their younger sex lives as a nearly desolate wasteland populated by the occasional one and done. Sales of “Stud Muffin” T-shirts have increased dramatically among the over-40 crowd.

“I know my sister’s boy has been having a rough time of it, so I’m trying to mentor him in the fine art of seduction,” says Brad Simmons, a 45-year-old car stereo installer. He’s one of an increasing number of middle-aged men who, however scant their sexual resume, are now mentoring their younger counterparts. “Whatever wisdom I can pass on to my nephew, Jay, I’m here to help.”

“You’re just telling me to ply them with alcohol,” says Jay.

“Alcohol is the great leveller. Use the booze,” instructs the wise old uncle. “It allows dudes like us to get with highly selective females and pass our genes on to the next generation. Don’t knock it. A couple of wine coolers and some Whitesnake on the stereo goes a long way.”

“If you’re so experienced with the ladies,” asks Jay, “how come you have an unopened, date-expired box of condoms in your medicine chest?”

“Those are my doomsday condoms,” the uncle explains, acting evasive. “I always keep an extra box on hand in case of a zombie apocalypse, or some other type of apocalypse.”

Listening to these two, one might think little has changed in thousands of years of human history. Some guys just aren’t destined to pass on their genes. Selection can be a coy mistress. It can also be ready to party. It is said that about 16 million men alive today can trace their Y chromosome back to Genghis Khan. Also, millions of Irish Americans can trace their genetic heritage back to the Irish warlord, Niall of the Nine Hostages.

Uncle Brad is optimistic, “Well, I’m not going to tell the boy to take hostages, am I? But if he follows my advice, given world enough and time, and a bottle of White Zinfandel, maybe he’s got an outside shot.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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