Trump to Erect Wall Around the Solar System To Keep "Dark" Matter Out

Funny story written by JP Johnston

Monday, 20 March 2017

image for Trump to Erect Wall Around the Solar System To Keep "Dark" Matter Out
Final Frontier Closed

In a series of tweets taking many in government and the science world by storm, President Trump has announced his intention to construct a wall around the Solar System, to prevent further illegal immigration of dark matter.

"Invading invisible particles, folks! We don't know really what they are. We don't. We just don't know. We know they are wimps, we know that they weakly integrate, that they worm their way inside us without our knowing, they seem to be multiplying. Disgusting!"

He went on. "Taking up space that could be used by good, normal matter. And they are massive! They interfere with us. We cannot ignore this threat. Can't you feel them? Passing between your atoms like a hole in a fence?"

"They don't belong here. It's obvious. But you can't even turn them out of bed at five in the morning, put them on a bus, and send the sons a bitches back."

NASA Spokesman Bjorg Locutus has expressed the organisation's surprise by simply standing in front of a press conference in Baikonur Cosmodrome distractedly shaking his head at the many questions. We declined an interview with Michio Kaku.

Whitehouse Spokesman Sean Spicer has explained that the President "Accidentally turned on the Discovery Channel trying to find Fox News and watched a thing about dark matter. We tried to calm him down, but once he has a bone in his mouth, well, he won't let go. So suck it up. We're building a wall."

The contract to construct this dark matter impermeable wall billions of miles away is worth up to $500 Quintillion, and has been awarded to BRB Inc., owned by the President's nephew's cousin, Froderick Braun. BRB have not previously demonstrated competence in the space engineering, asteroid mining, or exotic matter manufacturing, having mostly imported premium mangoes from notorious dictatorships. The cost is to be met from increased trade resulting from deregulating the child labor laws, which "have been holding back US companies for centuries."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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