Creationist Breakthrough: Actually, the World is Really, Really Old!

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Monday, 24 November 2014

The booming pseudoscience industry in the USA has recently got a huge boost, as one Young-Earth "Creation Science" Institute has made an earth-shaking and absolutely unprecedented breakthrough.

Yes: apparently, contrary to previous, less empirically rigorous investigations at the That Settles It Creation Science Institute™, the Earth may be actually be much older than we all us solid god-fearing godly folks™ once thought.

Lex Galton Jeremiah Philippoussis, a Professor of particle physics, microbiology, geology, palaeozoology, cryptometaphysics, and quantum theology at the Institute, says:

"Yes, the world may well be older than we thought; and not just by a few thousand years. So... at first we thought it was an anomaly, but we're increasingly convinced, as time goes on, that it's not. I mean, it's here that we really run against the hard edge of the problematic of methodological naturalism™. But the evidence seems so clear.

"But how to interpret it? If we had to hazard a somewhat educated guess at this stage, the origin of life, on such an old planet, may be explicable by some kind of mutation or transition from one species to another, with or possibly (well, at a push!) WITHOUT some kind of divine guidance™; well, that's what we may be looking at."

Mildly surprised what I falsely and presumptuously assumed to be a blatant U-turn by the Institute, I made the highly presumptuous and otherwise absolutely inexcusable error of asking:

"I see. So… I guess you mean some kind of evolutionary mechanism?"

I didn't realise how I had killed the conversation until Lex snapped:

"WHAT?! Are you ACTUALLY SERIOUS?! Well… absolutely not, buddy! No… no, no, no, no, no, NO!!!...

"I mean… that's COMPLETELY AGAINST everything God's word tells us™!"

Attempting to salvage the situation, I asked:

"So what are the implications, if any; I mean ethically or religiously speaking, for example?"

But Lex was not much mollified by my perhaps SLIGHTLY less disrespectful question and mumbled:

"Ummm… well, we're not sure… well, um, we're working on it and hope to have something concrete… something concrete-ish, yeah.. to show people soon™.

"Oh… by the way… just, just go away, you impious bastard™. You're confusing me, and I'm DAMN SURE I'm not having some stupid DARWINIAN ideologue upsetting my train of godly meditation on the spiritual wonders of nature and creation.

"Well, as some folks out there say, (I'm a pretty inclusive guy, huh?): Mockers gonna mock, scoffers gonna scoff.

"Well! Say! It's so DAMN hard defending the truth, when so many of you idle, ungodly, and superstitious folks out there keep questioning it with your pathetic logical caveats and pettifogging logic-chopping."

Still, I'm sure they will work something out soon. They generally do have way of squaring "the facts" (of King James 1611, no less) with "reality."

However, the bad news is that despite this startling scientific advancement, public schools are still filling our kid's heads with garbage about vaccination science. I guess the struggle for single-handedly (and oh-so-commendably) defending the honor of The Absolute Truth™ never ends.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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