Blame it on the size of the glass... or the toilet bowl

Funny story written by Sarcastic Scoop

Sunday, 13 July 2014

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Research is important because the results can be quite revealing. Studies have repeatedly proved that what is taken for granted by common sense turns out to be mistaken.

The most famous example is, of course, the shifting from the geocentric to the heliocentric model of the solar system. And the shift from the belief that the earth is flat to the proof that it's round. None of this would have happened if there weren't researchers willing to do the studies and the experiments.

If you thought researchers have run out of things to do, here's evidence to show they're working as hard as ever.

The most recent study has shown the relation between the size of the glass and the amount you drink. I wouldn't have paid any attention to this if it hadn't been put out by Cornell University Food and Brand Lab.

The caption to the article says, "Don't Blame Yourself for Pouring too Much Wine." How nice of them. Blaming myself used to take all the fun out of drinking wine.

The sub-title says, "Your wine glass and whether you hold it determines how much you pour."

Researchers in this study have proved that the wider or bigger the glass, the more you'll pour into it and thus the more you'll drink. It also makes a difference if you're holding the glass in your hand as well as if the color of the glass matches the color of the drink. This study focuses on the consumption of wine but we can extend it to other drinks.

The key thing to note here is the contradiction to common sense. You'd think that the amount you pour out and drink depends on your thirst. Or your capacity for alcohol. Or your simple desire to have as much wine as you can get away with. Or, as in my case, the size of the bottle.

I mean, really, this is a momentous discovery, wouldn't you say? Generations from now humans will sip their wine out of thimbles and think back to this study that changed the course of civilization.

I used to blame myself, but not anymore. I'm so relieved to know that my consumption of wine can be attributed to (or blamed on) the size of the glass and not on my need to drink as much as I can.

"When given the option, choose a narrower glass, place your glass on a table before pouring, and select a wine that does not match your glass to avoid unintentionally over-serving!"

But that's too much trouble. And I tend to forget myself. That's why I've taken to drinking my wine out of a thimble--Can't go wrong with that.

And I'm so impressed with such research that I began to look into other such research completed or in the works. It never hurts to know when common sense is false.

One study that is still in progress promises to help a lot of people who have problems with constipation. These are merely the initial results that will be made public when they're complete. I have to thank a friend who's a friend of one of the janitors working in the lab where this research is underway.

This group of researchers is studying the effect of the size of the toilet bowl on the amount of evacuation. It seems the smaller the toilet bowl the more constipated you are. And the cleaner the toilet the more reluctant you are to evacuate. "Give us bigger toilets bowls," the bowels of the world seem to be crying out.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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