A new Dead Sea Scroll has just been discovered, and it’s a doozy!
No one can ever know who wrote all those scrolls, but this one seems to have been written by a comedian.
It comprises only the beginning of the Book of Genesis, focusing heavily on the Garden of Eden. But in this one, Jehovah has a chat with Adam and Eve.
Let’s listen in, shall we?
God: You ate the fucking fruit of the knowledge of ..
Adam: So? God! What is wrong with you? We’re hungry and we can eat any animals ‘cuz that’ll kill them and you haven’t invented death yet. Jesus!
Eve: Hey, God, are we going to have kids to make more people, or do I gotta fuck what’s-his-face for eternity? I need some big strong well-hung sons, you know what I mean?
God: You ate the fucking apple!
Eve: Is that what it’s called? I thought Adam was supposed to name everything.
Adam: Thanks, God – jerk – that was my job! Why are you so pissed? So we ate an apple? We’ll put it back – here, Eve, spit it out.
Eve: I swallowed it.
Adam: Mmm, yes you did, you naughty girl! Hey, God, can I have some daughters? In different shapes and boob sizes and colors – purple would be cool, and I like green – I think that’s my favourite.
God: You’re getting banished for all eternity because I have no sense of justice, only punishment!
Eve: God! What an asshole you are! Wait, do you even have an asshole? Do we? Is waste allowed here? Can I puke? Can you teach us how to ferment grapes? Where’s that opium bush? I feel asleep last time I looked for it.
Adam: I could go for a beer right about now – can we eat hops and barley, or is that forbidden too? Why do you make shit then forbid it? Are you schizo?
Eve: Like my ex-husband.
Adam: Wait! Your what?
God: Get out of my fucking garden NOW!
And lo … that’s why Western nations to this very day are governed by a Judeo-Christian tradition, and why it has been declared a good thing to punish for no good reason instead of being merciful and realizing that it was just a fucking apple!
Amen.
