Bad Guys Union Of Hollywood

Funny story written by rfreed

Monday, 28 March 2022

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It is time to sing praises to those unsung heroes of Hollywood- the actors and actresses who play bad guys (or should we say ‘Unsung Anti-heroes’? Unfortunately the only song I can think of to sing for them is ‘Bad To The Bone’) Too many of them have gotten locked into the role of always portraying a villain due to being of a non-white race, having too dark of facial features or hair or having any number of disfigurements, i.e. scars, sagging eyelids, broken noses, cauliflower ears, etc. that puts them permanently into the back guy category. They deserve better than that. Of course, it may be too late. A large group of the delinquent actors have formed a ‘Bad Guys Union’ with the intent of suing the entire Hollywood establishment over their situation.

Here is a copy of their statement:


Let it be known that on this day of 03/15/22 the Bad Guys Union of California is filing a general suit against all television and movie studios of California for general harassment and grievous injury to body and emotions by exhibiting extreme prejudice in role playing in all existing mediums.

I, Clenchin D. Bling, lawyer for the Bad Guys Union, would like to state that my clients suffer from a wide array of injustices upon their person, their character and their reputations as a result of being constantly typecast as ‘being evil’. Their complaints are as follows:

Causes of distress:


Injuries sustained from being shot, punched, kicked and knifed percentage-wise much more often than ‘‘good guy’ actors.

Injuries sustained from the following fight scenes with the ‘good guys’:
Pratfalls Karate flips
Falls down stairs Beer bottle knocked over heads
Being blown up Right hooks to jaw
Being pushed from auto Being rolled over a bar
Being thrown through a window

And, in our modern world of science fiction and superhero films:

Being devoured by dragons, space aliens, demons, etc.
Being beat up by dragons, space aliens, demons etc.
Being regurgitated by dragons, space aliens, demons, etc.
(You get the idea.)

Getting sexual diseases transmitted due to only being able to hang out with ‘bad women, men’ in film world.

Loss of job advancement due to always being labeled as ‘being bad’.

Bad health due to the amount of booze, drugs and cigarettes one must consume while filming.

Limited possibilities of getting health insurance due to high numbers of gunshot wounds, knife wounds, contusions inflicted by ‘good guys’ upon them as films near the end scene.

Difficulty getting health insurance due to high number of gunshot wounds, knife wounds, contusions, etc. as listed above.

Social stigma from being ‘bad guy’- no one will give you a loan, difficulty cashing checks, difficulties in getting a date because he/she will be afraid her/his friends/relatives will find out about it, only ex-cons and whores want your autograph, ect.

Loss of revenue from always getting snuffed out early in films or television series.

Difficulties bonding with own kids due to always being considered a ‘bad role model’.

Extra stress in roles from having to work for sadistic mob bosses, ruthless tyrants, fanatical generals, psycho bandits, etc.

Extreme loneliness suffered from never getting the ‘nice girl’ in films.

Constant slander about being ‘bad’, never getting to show one’s ‘good’ side.

Costs of constant repair and replacement of clothing due to gunshot wounds, knife wounds, etc.

Difficulty in acquiring auto insurance due to high numbers of rollovers, side scrapings, driving over cliffs and getting blown up in the line of work. Also, bullet holes ruin the wholesale value of client’s autos.

Lowered self esteem from always getting lower billing on screen credits.

In summing up, I would like to request that the film industry realizes that no matter how dastardly a villain in a film is, that he still has a sensitive inner child, although in their case it is actually an inner brat.

I will see you in court.

Yours untruly, Clenchin D. Bling

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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