In spite of our reputation as a humor site, we take the issue of mental illness seriously.
Therefore we are proud to present a perspective on social issues from Franklin J. Russo, an American commentator with a unique personal perspective. Frank is bipolar, and yet it hasn’t interfered with his ability to be a productive member of society. Hopefully this will be just the first in a series of his opinion columns. We’re pleased to present Frank’s first column here:
Even in our advanced modern age, the stigma of mental illness is still an impediment against social advancement for many individuals. Mental illness should not be a shame or a stigma. The real shame is that our society has not yet fully learned to combat the problem.
I consider myself an example of someone who has learned to combat and overcome the problem of mental illness. I have done so with the aid of mood stabilizers, which are sadly unavailable to those without health insurance.
Today I am a member of my local city council, and I am able to function as well as anyone in my community. I highlight my own personal triumph not to boast, but to emphasize the need for funding for medicine and treatment. As we continue the battle against COVID, let us not forget the importance of battling mental illness, which is more pervasive and common than we often recognize.
Again, I hope I do not sound boastful. But my progress has been such that I sometimes think of running for a high office, such as state Senate or even U.S. Senate. Laugh if you will, but such are the avenues open to the mentally ill today. I also plan to write a series of nonfiction studies which will offer a bold new perspective on American history. If I get to work soon, I believe the books will total five million words, and I believe they will all be bestsellers, possibly even shaking the pillars of conventional American thought.
You know, I think I could be president someday. No, really. I mean, I’m a little old but a lot of notable people had a late start. Nobody thought Abraham Lincoln could do it either. There aren’t many good shows about politics. People just aren’t that interested. You remember that show The Dukes of Hazzard? It actually has some really incisive political satire. I think Boss Hogg was supposed to be like Nero or something. I’ve actually read a lot of Voltaire, so I know what I’m talking about. Maybe that sounds crazy. You don’t remember it? I know, I’m old.
Or maybe I could be king somewhere. No, really. One of those countries that are so fucked up, they’ll take anybody. I mean it, there’s war lords just coming in and taking over. I bet they’d be impressed to meet an American. It’s not so crazy as you think it is.
It’s sad nobody cares about politics. I dated this one girl who didn’t care about politics. And yet, she was a really nice person, really great, just one of the nicest people you could ever meet, I tried to get her interested but it was just no good. God, she had great legs though. But her teeth were kind of funny, like, I don’t know how to explain it. They were just arranged weird. I wonder if I called her up if she’d even talk to me. I kind of freaked her out that one time. What am I saying, she was horrible. I hated how she used to throw her stuff in the floor. Goddamn, that was annoying. She thinks I don’t remember that? Oh, I remember that shit.
You think Covid is a bad disease? You think COVID is a bad disease?! You motherfuckers don’t know what disease is. Yeah, yeah, your sister died of COVID. Yeah, yeah, I heard it all before. I know all about it. You don’t know pain. But I’ll show you. Oh, you’ll see. Motherfuckers won’t see me coming. Never mind. You just go back to sleep in your fancy home. Just wait and see. Yeah.
You think General Sherman blazed a trail of destruction? You think Napoleon knew how to plan an invasion? Fuck those motherfuckers, they couldn’t burn shit. I know how to burn a neighborhood down. I know about destruction. Fuck yeah, all it takes is some gas and a match. You didn’t know how dangerous I was. But you’ll know.
Fuckface! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You can’t ignore it. Don’t pretend you don’t hate me. I see it in your eyes. How stupid do you think I am?
Think my words are offensive? Do they BOTHER you? Oh, I’m so sad for you. Here’s some more words: Cuntfish, fuckhead, freakface. How’d you like that last one? I just made it up.
See, you think I’m just some crazy little asshole, but you’re the real asshole. I may be a crazy prick, but I’m fucking brilliant. Even in my most crazy evil moments, I still make up for it by being incredibly brilliant. More brilliant than you. Only you’re too stupid to realize it, with your fancy big house and your church where you sit for hours upon end, pretending you love Jesus when really you don’t even know who Jesus was. I’m more like Jesus than you could ever be, you don’t even know who he is. I know about it all, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha. Yeah, I know it all. All you’re doing is wasting your precious life away. You’ll see. Your kids will grow up to hate you. That’s my curse. Think I can’t put a curse on you. I know voodoo. Oh yeah. I do it with my eyes.
Your kids will be just like me and you’ll fear them, because you’re too fucking stupid to understand your kids can see your hypocrisy. Yeah, you, with your fancy suit. Think that covers anything up?
I was lonely, you know. If you knew how lonely my childhood was, you wouldn’t hate me so much. You’d love me.
Are you leaving? I’m calming down now, I don’t hate you anymore.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened to me. I’m not usually like this. I’m usually very calm. I don’t even raise my voice. This is so bad, it’s totally not how I am. This is like that one time I threw that hammer at that one guy. That was really bad. He was crippled too.
I’m really a nice person. Why won’t anyone admit it?
Oh God, this is so embarrassing. I promise my next column will be incredibly nice. I’ll write the nicest column you ever read. Just don’t leave me.
