According to many experts, if you are ever tempted to coprophagia, or the eating of feces, it is by far best to have first eaten a solid meal of the fragrant middle eastern dish called Lamb Tagine. This dish, which I sampled recently myself, is a stew-like concoction of tender lamb chunks slow cooked in a sauce sweetened with apricots and set off by the wonderful middle eastern accents of coriander, saffron, cardamom, cloves and nutmeg. I can vouch for the fact that the amazing aromas survive the process of digestion and the excreted portion, although slightly altered in form, still has the remarkable power to stimulate one’s appetite the next day.
Now, you may be asking why anyone would want to even consider the prospect of eating a lamb tagine a second time, however wonderful its aromas. And I confess that, while mightily tempted, I have not chosen to indulge the impulse to scoop up a handful. And yet, in a powerful epiphany, driven in part by the terrors of the recent power failures in Texas that left millions cold and hungry (and probably also by a dystopian film I watched the night before), I understood that in the event of imminent starvation, one might readily choose a pre-digested lamb tagine over, let’s say, butchering and eating nearby children. Or—another thought--in the event that you are being tortured in some Taliban or Al-Qaeda cell and forced to eat your own infidel waste, you, you could do so happily—suppressing a sly smile—if only you had a prior meal of lamb tagine.
Of course, there are other ways to practice coprophagia. For example, one can read the New York Times or watch CNN. Experts advise against doing both at the same time, as this is certain to induce a worrying logorrhea, which would have to be drunk rather than chewed. I suppose some might object that these are metaphorical examples of coprophagia, but no. The bad taste in the mouth that inevitably follows exposure to Don Lemon is quite real and in no way measures up to the pleasures of a previously eaten lamb tagine.
Listening to Nancy Pelosi speak is also often compared to coprophagia, but those who say so go too far. For her speech to qualify, her words would have had to have been understood and digested at least once by someone, preferably Nancy herself. But they pass, if I may extend the metaphor, through her system undigested, like the new synthetic fats that let people eat potato chips without weight gain. When Pelosi speaks, words are emitted without ever having been modified by any biological process, like the waste pellets excreted by a child’s realistic doll.
Looked at philosophically, the near perfect circularity of coprophagia is its most satisfying quality and one that lets us touch the eternal and the infinite in our daily lives. We are what we eat and we eat what we are. It is only this coprophagic sensibility that allows us to glimpse the deep, nearly inexpressible lode of truth within a fine dish of lamb tagine.
So eat and enjoy! And remember to flush CNN.