Even MORE Stuff from the Progressive Shoppers’ Mart – The Premier E-tailing Site for Enlightened Ideologues

Funny story written by Trinculoman

Friday, 3 July 2020

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You’ve demanded it, and here it is! We’ve been out scrounging around second-hand elitist boutiques, digging through Deep-State detritus dumps, and raiding the dustbins of those radical trendsetters whose stuff we know you crave. So, don’t delay! Order right now, or you may be S-O-L just like “Wee Mikey” Bloomberg after millions wasted on squat.

Truly a unique item! Governor Christine Whitmer’s leather dominatrix thong and rhinestone teddy worn every time she whipped her Michiganders into submitting to COVID-19 lockdowns. Complete with spike-tipped “discipline” rod!

Select first-edition copies of John Kerry’s little-known memoir: “Musings of An Inveterate Enemy Collaborator,” containing historic passages about his clandestine ops for the Viet Cong and his very public giveaways to Iranian terrorists.

Talk about a rare find! Limited edition set of enlarged photocopies of Amy Klobuchar’s (already so ample) ass tattoo – “Property of the Minnesota Democratic Farm-Labor Party.” You’ll definitely want this one as the central display at your next DNC drinks-do!

For all you Technophiles, there’s a personally signed CD of Mitt Romney’s ‘Flip-Flop’ algorithm. Slam it into your laptop, it will generate any policy position politically suited to the winds of the current zeitgeist.

Romanticists-at-heart must have these embossed replicas of Ilan Omar’s variety of marriage licenses. Choose whichever one strikes your fancy –nuptials to her brother, her cousin, her nephew, or to “Stinky Youssef” – her Somalian turban-toter.

Snatch up the prototype for the life-size Adam Schiff talking bobble-head. Listen to it endlessly proclaim “Russian Collusion! It’s My Delusion! Russian Collusion! It’s My Delusion! Russian Collusion! It’s My Delusion!”

From Senator Kamala Harris’s personal archives, special recordings of her former paramour and ex-San Francisco mayor, Willie ‘Grandpa’ Brown, singing “Kamie, yoou iz my wooman neow!” while plucking his banjo.

A monochromatic print (suitable for framing!) of Jerry “Bubba the Hut” Nadler’s family lineage, showing his descent from a historic coupling between “Jabba the Hut” and noted Salem witch “Goody” Slitherwiggler. Now that’s an heirloom!

No one should be without Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez’s instructional video, “Pseudo-Socialistic verbal riffs, suitable for any occasion, but, uh like, especially when wrapping Tamales.” Don’t be the last one in your barrio to get this one!

Dress up like the Mortality Andy! Now you can garb yourself like NY Gov Cuomo did when he sentenced care home seniors to death by sending in COVID-19 to kill residents. Yeah, the Gov donned his specially-tailored Grim Reaper gear when issuing his death sentences. So, get yours now! Special bonus – your initials branded onto the Reaper Scythe etched with Mortality Andy’s signature!

For all you Urban Insurrectionists, cured street droppings from Seattle’s CHOP zone are now available! Don’t delay, be the first to get the historic, straight Poop and honor the Rebels who defied the Porta-Potties!

An original sheet from DC District Judge Emmett Sullivan’s court docket recording his judicial opinion in a recent notable case: “SCREW GENERAL FLYNN!”

First-time specialties! Nancy Pelosi’s taxidermist has made available all of her prior facial skins. Pick whichever one you want! Get the latest cut, or go back to her earliest Minority Leader visage. “Mack the Knife” Bodkin will be slicing again soon, so there’ll be plenty of them to go around!

Last, but hardly least! Get a “used original” from Joe “C’mon Man!” Biden’s extensive collection of Delaware-bonded bed pans. Joe personally “broke in” each one while he hid out in his Wilmington, DE, basement doing “live” brief TV spots. You can’t miss this keepsake, direct from the rear end of the former VEEP!

Hey, the phones are ringing off the hooks right now, so don’t delay any longer! Call in soon to get any of these prized treasures, or you’ll be shamed on-line for not being ideologically enlightened enough! Nuff said!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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