The Former Queen of Country Music Loretta Lynn Slams Today’s Country Music

Written by Fannin Fabriano

Saturday, 1 February 2020

image for The Former Queen of Country Music Loretta Lynn Slams Today’s Country Music
Stormy Trojan singing her #1 hit, "Don't You Be Texting Me While Your Driving Your Brand New Lexus."

HURRICANE MILLS, Tennessee – Ichabod Fernandez with The Vox Populi News Agency sat down with the legendary 87-year-old Loretta Lynn at her Tennessee Southern-style Mansion Casa Grits.

Lynn was barefoot, and was wearing a torn Calamity Jane blouse, a pair of Dale Evans gingham blue jeans, and a Davy Crockett coonskin cap.

Fernandez asked Loretta what she thought about today’s country music. Ms. Lynn took a swig out of her Coors Light bottle, leaned forward and replied, “Sonny, I think that the country music of today really bites the big one.” She grinned, tugged at her long flowing gray hair, and said that it just sucks all to hell.

She went on to say that, in her day, women like herself, Dolly Parton, Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, and Barbra Mandrell, sang true honest-to-goodness, crying in your beer songs like “Daddy Me And Bubba Is Getting Hitched", “He Looked At My Knees And He Done Went And Fell In Love”, “Cheating Ain’t Nothing But A 13-Letter Word For Cheating", and “Mama He Kissed Me On The Tractor, and I Kissed Him On The Tallywacker”.

Lynn said that the average age of today’s female country music singers is 16½. She took a bite out of her cornbread, and said, “These young designer jean-wearing little make-up infested gals like Stormy Trojan, Hester Amarillo, Chablis Dragon, and the Tripatini Triplets look more like Las Vegas showgirls."

Loretta shook her head and remarked, "Hells bells these little 95-pound fillies sing songs with titles like “Hey Baby Don’t You Be Texting Me While You’re Driving Your Brand New Lexus", “Put Your iPad Away and Come Over Here And Put Your Lips On My Titties", and “Don’t You Be Tweeting Me About What You’re Gonna Do To My Sexy Body, Get Your Friggin’ Cowboy Ass Over Here and Do It”.

Lynn smiled and said “Son, all this grouchy old woman can say is that today’s country music has done gone and jumped into the country music cesspool."

IN CLOSING – CNN is reporting that the Liar-in-Chief, Donald “The Orange Brat” Trump has now used the word “Hoax” a total of 17,903 times since taking office.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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