We met up with "force-free" Vader at a cantina on Tatooine, where he works as a waiter and lounge singer. He was willing to tell us about his upcoming book, Force of Habit - Behind the Breathey-Scary Mask Thingy, which chronicles his early years as a boy, when his addiction started, and how it had made him evil later in life.
Vader comes over to my table, his black suit and mask covered in mashed wompa rat and corn. He sits down across from me, and starts out by telling me that Force Addiction can strike anyone - dark side or not. This is the interview, in part, between The Spoof (TS) and perhaps the greatest villain-turned-Mother Theresa to ever live. Darth Vader. (DV)
DV: When I was seven, I knew a couple of kids at school who would sneak under the bleachers, and use the force to burn ants. They'd say, "You want some of this, man? It's good shit?" And I always said no. But secretly, I wanted to.
TS: When was your first exposure to The Force?
DV: Well, my memory's shot since I've been force-free. Three years now. I don't remember half of my life. But I do remember these two hippy guys that came to our house when I was eight. They had some gangly, penis-lizard with them who thought he was funny or something. Anyway, they kept bugging me about using The Force. That it would flow through me and give me peace. That's all they talked about. The Force this and The Force that. That I need to try The Force. They were like a couple of Mormon Missionaries. They were relentless.
TS: So would you say they're your first Force Dealers?
DV: Let me put it to you this way: I'm eight years old, out on the porch, and one of these hippies pokes me with a needle. No warning. He said all living things have midi-chlorians in them that communicates with The Force. But I was special. (Vader leans forward, lowers voice) I'll tell you what I think - I think that Oldie Bum Kanobe and Why Gone Gin (I called him that because that's what he'd ask after two swallows from the bottle. And believe me, he was - glug-glug-glug) were Force Addicts too, but they needed some people out of the way, and they wanted me to do it. So he injected me with a midi-chlorian booster to make me more sensitive to The Force and get me hooked.
TS: Your life wasn't the same after that, was it?
DV: No. I went into training with my Force Dealers and they kept sending me on dangerous assignments, I robbed and even killed in the name of the Rebellion. And I did it for free! Those long-haired pussies never paid me a cent! All they cared about was getting their hands on more shipments of Midi-chlorians to make more little do-gooder Jedis. The shipment that Han was flying to Jabba before I froze his ass in carbonite was a midi-chlorian shipment bound for the Dagobah system. That's why I wanted that ship so badly. Ben was still using me to track down the midi-chlorians, because in the end they all went to Yoda. That corrupt little bastard was playing both sides from the beginning! All for midi-chlorians! Solo was just a dumb nerf-herder who got involved in something he didn't understand.
Anyway, I was so high on The Force that I didn't even feel fear. I believe my addiction started the day I realized I was running to the bathroom every ten minutes so I could get another hit of using. I would go into the stall, curl up in a corner and use The Force to unravel the toilet paper into the toilet bowl for no reason.
TS: I heard you got so out of control you once slapped Grand Mof Tarkin on the ass using The Force.
DV: From fifty yards away! I forgot all about that! Tarkin said to me once, "Lord Vader. There's a possible weakness in the Death Star plans." But I was so high. Which, I found out, is what 'Skywalker' means. But I thought he said, "Lard Tator. There's a popsicle Beatniks sure can play guitar." To this day, I still don't know for sure what he was saying, so I just forgot it. Anyway, Tarkin was just so cute, I couldn't resist. So I waited until he was way down the corridor, then gave him a Magic Force Ass Slap. Whatever happened to that Deathstar anyway? I don't remember. I was so high bra!
TS: And I suppose Palpatine had a huge part to play too.
DV: Oh, yes! He was a huge Force addict. And Emperor Palpatine boosted my midi-chlorians even more. You may not have known this, but Palpatine was also hooked on an Earth drug called Meth.
DV: Yeah. You've seen his face. Anyway, I started using The Force for everything - wiping my ass, opening a beer, feeding the Tarchazian Razor Beast. One time I was here at the Cantina and I used The Force to convince my wife I was screwing her back at home, and that I was gooood! I killed people. Crushed their ballsacks. Tried to kill my own kids. The worst thing I probably ever did was allow myself to be on "The Star Wars Holiday Special". God, I'll never forgive myself for that one. Now, things have changed. I haven't used The Force in over three years. I'm happy as hell. I don't know if you ever met the Earthling George Lucas, but he made a story of my family's life, and then some shitty prequels, but now that I'm clean, he wants me back for more movies. I can't wait to work with him again. No one should touch my life story except for Lucas. I'm very-
TS: Uh. Lord-Lord Vader?
TS: Um . . . Lucas sold the rights to Disney.
DV: . . . . . . . . . What?
TS: Lucas sold the Star Wars rights to Disney. They're making new movies.
DV: . . . . Disney? . . .
TS: Yes . . .
DV: Disney owns the rights to Star Wars?
TS: Yes, Lord Va-
DV (falls to knees, looks up and stretches his hands toward heaven NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Three weeks after this interview Lord Vader relapsed, using The Force to ding-dong-ditch people's houses, TP their trees, and choke husbands to death for not flushing the toilet. He has not been seen for two weeks. In the meantime, book sales have skyrocketed in every solar system of the Galaxy.