Top 10 Reasons Cats Aren't Mentioned in the Bible

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Friday, 8 November 2019

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Dear God, will I be able to bring my cat into heaven when I die.?

Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, canker worms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats.

Despite not being mentioned in the bible, cats appear to be prospering . Nevertheless, we have to wonder at their exclusion. If the bible is the inspired word of God--every jot or tittle of which is true--why was god not inspired to give cats a shout in his magnum opus?

After giving the matter brief but shallow thought, we came up with ten possible explanations for God's sleeping on cats.

1) God is not a cat person

2) Cats don't come when they're called, so they missed the cruise on Noah's ark

3) The bible was "written" by Jews, who hated Egyptians, who worshiped cats

4) God isn't mentioned in the cats' bible

5) Even God could not give man dominion over cats

6) The bible was "written" by men

7) Ancient Jews considered cats the acceptable white meat

8) Cats wanted script approval

9) Cats have nine lives, whereas God has only three

10) Cats do nothing wrong, so they don't need anybody to die for their sins.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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