Science news roundup

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 26 September 2019

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If you spend all day watching MePipe videos, it's not your fault. It's just your genes

Science is fun, as well as useful. Hi, my name's Brian Dix, from Internet University. Let's take a look at what's happening in the amazing world of science.

This week, the element Clitorium was discovered. It had been predicted for centuries, but finally scientist Joe Blobb found it within the flesh of a female corpse. It is highly reactive and prone to exploding within an hour, leaving nothing but a warm glow. Also, there is nowhere on the periodic table to fit it in, as Clitorium does not correspond to any period. Scientists have instead considering creating a new "brown table" to sit alongside the periodic table to accommodate such new elements as Clitorium.

In space science, a new moon was discovered - inside Earth's own moon. The smaller moon, called Gary, is only 30% the size of the actual moon, and is made of pure rock. NASA are now planning a mission to land a man on Gary. First they will fly to the main moon, then drill through its thin shell to reach Gary down below. Operation "Up the Gary" is due to launch by 2040.

Meanwhile, scientists decoding the human genome have uncovered the set of genes that determine internet habits. For example, people with the genes BC34 and BC35 will enjoy looking at cat pictures and people falling over. On the other hand, people with the gene BD38 will sit on video streaming channels and other forums posting vile messages and threats. Internet companies are currently investing in a giant database to find out the genes of everyone on the planet so that they can target adverts more effectively.

And that is my science roundup. It's all true, I learnded it at Internet University.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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