How to Tell If Your College Football Team's Uniforms Are Gay

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Wednesday, 6 November 2019

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Hey, man, does this color make my butt look big?

BRISTOL, Conn.-- Are we hallucinating again, or have college football uniforms become even more gay-looking than before? When your alma mater takes the field, do its team members look like football players, or androgynous superheroes at a comic book convention?

These are not rhetorical questions. If they were, ESPN would not have added an athletic uniform reporter to its staff. While he is working out a way to tell the pitchers from the catchers, no matter what the sport, we are happy to present the internet's first guide to telling whether or not your college football team's uniforms are gay.

10. Team enters the field on a runway.

9. Team captains exchange air kisses with opponents' captains.

8. Two words: assless chaps.

7. The quarterback has a marabou-trimmed hand warmer.

6. Players wear their first names on the backs of their jerseys.

5. Achievement decals on helmets replaced by Hello Kitty icons.

4. The team's accessorizing book is thicker than its playbook.

3. The school band plays more club music than fight songs.

2. Two more words: polka dots.

1. Swarovski-encrusted shoes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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