After 14 days of incarceration, Felicity Huffman, the former star of Desperate Housewives, stepped out of federal prison and into the car of this reporter for an exclusive two-minute interview.
Q. Ms. Huffman, you look noticeably different, but I can't put my finger on it.
A. I got a few prison tattoos from my new friend Butch. I was gay for the stay.
Q. Of course, the face tattoo of SAG brings out the color of your eyes. It looks like a prison gang symbol; is it?
A. I've been down with the homies and bangin for years. I'm a SAG veterana.
Q. Did you have any trouble while in prison?
A. I ain't gat no beef with shot callers. And I'm not trying to dip in the kool aid. But I did make a couple of gals dance on the blacktop with my shank.
Q. Ok, I see. Is it true snitches get stitches?
A. You got to hold your mud round here, or you will be acting with a rabbit. But look here, I ride with west coast SAG so I aint sweaten nothin.
Q. Tell me about the food.
A. Never hungry. The crapateria is nasty but Martha Steward left me cash on her commissary card and I bought Mac n Cheese and Snickers bars, and Butch makes grey bar hotel pruno, vintage 2019.
Q. Any final thoughts?
A . Doing time is like acting. You gotta know your part. But, hey my two dimwit kids got into USC, go Trojans, and I graduated from con-college. It's all good. The crowbar hotel ani't for lambs. Its hard living, hard luck and hard times.