Completely Tattooed Felicity Huffman, Former Desperate Housewife TV Star, Walks Out of Prison

Written by Amiko Aventurista

Friday, 18 October 2019

image for Completely Tattooed Felicity Huffman, Former Desperate Housewife TV Star, Walks Out of Prison
What do I have to do to get a latte around here?

After 14 days of incarceration, Felicity Huffman, the former star of Desperate Housewives, stepped out of federal prison and into the car of this reporter for an exclusive two-minute interview.

Q. Ms. Huffman, you look noticeably different, but I can't put my finger on it.
A. I got a few prison tattoos from my new friend Butch. I was gay for the stay.

Q. Of course, the face tattoo of SAG brings out the color of your eyes. It looks like a prison gang symbol; is it?
A. I've been down with the homies and bangin for years. I'm a SAG veterana.

Q. Did you have any trouble while in prison?
A. I ain't gat no beef with shot callers. And I'm not trying to dip in the kool aid. But I did make a couple of gals dance on the blacktop with my shank.

Q. Ok, I see. Is it true snitches get stitches?
A. You got to hold your mud round here, or you will be acting with a rabbit. But look here, I ride with west coast SAG so I aint sweaten nothin.

Q. Tell me about the food.
A. Never hungry. The crapateria is nasty but Martha Steward left me cash on her commissary card and I bought Mac n Cheese and Snickers bars, and Butch makes grey bar hotel pruno, vintage 2019.

Q. Any final thoughts?
A . Doing time is like acting. You gotta know your part. But, hey my two dimwit kids got into USC, go Trojans, and I graduated from con-college. It's all good. The crowbar hotel ani't for lambs. Its hard living, hard luck and hard times.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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