Written by Templeton T. Rat

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

How to solve Immigration (and, by definition, all our other problems since they, too, stem from filthy foreigners).


To say we have an immigration problem is an understatement. Not since Alexander wept because he had no worlds left to conquer, has there been a more blatant invasion of a country than immigrants coming to America. Sure it’s nice to have a few extra food trucks and more pleasant smelling cabbies than we used to, but I think it’s about time we solved this issue once and for all.

Now, a nation without borders is no nation at all, therefore we can all agree illegal immigration is an issue, both for Americans and the immigrants, who get treated like second-class citizens. That’s why I propose slightly tighter border security. Not some useless wall, but enough to stem the flow of drugs and people from flooding over like the Red Sea over an Egyptian. “But Templeton,” you ask in what I assume is an effeminate voice, “how shall we stop people that are not from our neighbor to the south?” Well, shut up, and I’ll tell you.

We start by getting rid of the notion we are a nation of immigrants. My family didn’t spend every dime they had trying to get to America from the old country so they could make a better life for themselves just to see their beloved new country filled with immigrants. They did it to be able to tell other people to go back to where they came from, and be able to say it with pride. So I propose the problem is the Statue of Liberty. I don’t suggest we remove this beloved landmark, of course, just that we saw its arms off, so the inscription is gone and the torch no longer gives our location away to the tricky foreigners who use its light to guide them to freedom. It’s my freedom and, unfortunately, I don’t have the option to share it.

The second issue is there are too many damn jobs for them here. My simple-minded political opponents might suggest that helping their countries develop to the point they’re rich and prosperous would solve this, but that sounds expensive and really hard. I propose we instead obliterate our own economy to the point they have no reason to ever come to America. Radical? Maybe. Insane? Most assuredly. Easy and effective? I assume so, and that’s good enough for me.

Finally, once we’ve taken all these measures, I have one final modest proposal. Since 100% of immigrants are, in fact, foreigners, we simply eliminate the very concept of foreigners. I have two ideas how to do this, and honestly one is as good as the next at this point. My first solution is to make everyone on Earth American citizens. Some might say it’s amnesty, and I admit that’s a valid argument, but I also admit I’m not entirely sure what that means, and I’m not doing more than a Google search to find out, so I’m just going to assume I’m right. This plan does have the added benefit of the element of surprise since none of those dumb foreigners would ever expect us to bless them with the privilege of Americanism.

My other idea would be to just nuke the rest of the world until there are no foreigners left. I prefer this proposal as it’s both easier and would most likely make the hippies happy that we finally got rid of our nuke stockpiles. It also would eliminate NATO, which I heard a guy on the radio say I’m against, so that’s my permanent opinion on it, no matter what data I’m shown. This option also will be a boon to tourism in states like Montana which nobody visits because it’s awful, but once it’s one of our only few options, we will just be glad for the change of scenery.

If you have any comments or alternative ideas please argue about them incessantly in the comments that I never check.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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