The untold facts on the opioid epidemic and the opioid-reversal drug Narcan, you should know

Funny story written by DorianGray039

Friday, 29 March 2019

Opioids are a series of medications referred to as analgesia’s developed and prescribed to treat moderate to severe pain and have recently become one of the top medications to be abused following a viscous wave of overdoses in America, an epidemic if you will.

Fentanyl (AKA the Heroin gateway drug) a fan fave among opioid abusers has become readily available to order on the interweb and delivered by your USPS straight to your mailbox and can be manufactured in your own living room with the greatest of ease, making your local meth manufacturer look like a NASA rocket fuel chemist “says Bill Nigh” ( Science Guy ).

Requiring no more education than that of a 5th grade level, Fentanyl labs have been popping up everywhere from your big metropolitan areas to your small rural town’s.


Statistics imply that 9 out of 10 Americans suffer from Opioid addiction. Opioids have killed more people last year than either car accidents or gun violence.

C’mon America we gotta pump those numbers up! No way opioid overdose is in the lead! What this tells me is that American drug addicts are not even getting out there and committing crimes like they use to. Like Grand theft auto, Assault and Battery Robbery, Homicide etc.

So how is it that gun violence and vehicle accidents combined are lagging so far behind opioid overdose on a fatality ratio? Addicts today just aren’t leaving their house! Technology has improved to the point that there’s really absolutely no reason to ever leave the house and interact with the world, we have cell phones and social media for that!

Why deal with the anxiety leaving the house and meet up with a drug dealer when I can order it online with absolutely no human interaction! Plus online reviews can assure you’re getting quality shit in the mail because online reviews never lie! This new generation would rather lay around at home in their parents basement all day growing beards and man bun’s, pick up their prescription marijuana to treat their severe anxiety disorder at a CBD store and stay at home disassociated to the outside world possibly only connecting to others through online video gaming,social media and tweeting about how horrible living off the system.

Opioid abuse is no laughing matter nor is it an acquired condition by choice! Make no mistake opioid addiction is a serious disease that can occur for no apparent reason to everyday people like you and me just like clamidia, HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, pelvic inflammatory disease and the human papillomavirus.


Opioid addiction can affect any American, (including African Americans, Indian Americans, White suburban Americans, Trisomy chromosome 23 Americans, Asian Americans, Middle-Eastern Americans, self identified T-1000 terminator Americans, Transgender self identifying Alien race Americans, Hollywood movie star Illuminati lizard elite Americans).

The opioid epidemic does not discriminate and can effect anyone in all walks of life, to all-state football captains to Honor students to stay-at-home mothers, to stay-at-home in the parents basement dwelling video gaming chronic masturbators, everyone loves opioids!

The opioid crisis has been compared by pathophysiologists everywhere to the Black Plague of the 1300’s. Surgeon General warns death toll could rise up to 200 million within the next year and has declared the opioid crisis a state of emergency.

It’s a little known fact that opioids have become a everyday household item in America and has multiple purposes such as a substitute for tooth paste by mixing it with a little baking soda, salting your favorite dishes and yes it can also be used to help get those little pesky children to bed at night! This makes it no surprise that this opioid epidemic has swept our nation into a state of fear and panic.

It could be you, it could be the neighbors curious cat digging through the trash, it could be the preacher giving his sermon on a Sunday morning, it could be me. Virtually no one is safe from this ongoing crisis and opioid overdose could happen anywhere at anytime when we least expect it, creeping up on you like a highly elevated melanin pigmented rapist in the night.


So how do we even begin to fight such a war? Where do we start? What America needs is a safety net! Something we could use to counter act the effects that opioids has on its poor unsuspecting victims that not only binds to receptor sites but blocks opioid receptors preventing their effects and catching us as we fall, allowing us to do it again and again, so that we never learn from our mistakes and can enjoy our opioids with less consequence! We need a HERO! He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

On April 23, 2018 the FDA gave America just that, a hero in the form of an opioid antagonist by the name of NARCAN making it available at your local pharmacy for purchase. Coming in the form of a nasal spray that is both easy and fun to use! You can train your children or any mouth breathing mammal with imposable thumbs to administer it in seconds, reversing the sedative and respiratory depression effects of opioids and giving you yet another day to enjoy your opioid of choice to its fullest! Pick up your very own “wake the fuck up, it’s round two bitches” nasal Narcan applicator at a pharmacy near you and never leave the party early again!


So now that we have our hero, ready and able to fight this battle of misfortune, I know what you’re thinking...But Narcan doesn’t administer its self does it? The answer is NO. So what if I don't have Narcan because I spent all my money on heroin you ask? Good question!

We need someone who can deliver it fast, effectively and without hesitation or regard to side effects and contraindications!

A true red blooded American with no fear who have sat through a 15 minute excruciatingly thorough inservice on the drug and have obtained more knowledge, skill and education on opioid overdose and treatment than most Paramedics, Nurses and Er physicians, making them experts in almost any medical matter where the victim/patient has been found unresponsive with unknown etiology.

To where most medical professionals would stop at the maximum dose of Narcan when administration is ineffective these warriors would go the extra mile blasting up 4 ml’s of Narcan up each nostril in less than 16 seconds to any weary unresponsive, suspected or unsuspected victim of opioid overdose based on one simple fact that can only be learned through an extensive training regimen...

If it looks like a duck then it must be a duck. And it’s fucking DUCK season here in opioid America!

We need someone who doesn’t know contraindications or side effects of the drug. Who could this first responder opioid antagonist delivering bad ass be? Someone who has passed through Cleet academy, someone who has passed a psych evaluation so easy that it would possibly even make Ted Bundy himself look like a sane outstanding citizen of the community!

If you haven’t guessed it yet....I’m talking about our boys in blue! Hard dicks with a badge and a gun have now been given nasal Narcan applicators to battle this crisis! Finely tuned life saving machines ready to blast a motherfucker for even tryin to let their state of consciousness deteriorate less than a Glasgow coma scale of 14!

Healthcare professionals everywhere are amazed at the skill and precision of these elites and fear for their very own job security.


So we know that Narcan works to reverse opioid overdose but what if I told you it doesn’t work on tricyclic overdose, Benzodiazepine overdose, Hypoglycemia,Death, Head injury, or autoerotic asphyxiation.

All possible reasons for Altered mental status and unresponsiveness. But we can give Narcan regardless because it’s safe and has no side effects right! Or Does Narcan have any side effects?

Depends whether you’re asking a first-responder or a trained medical professional!

Lets talk about the possibility of flash pulmonary edema with the use of Narcan. Flash pulmonary edema happens in a flash and possibly the reason medical professionals call it flash pulmonary edema and not delayed pulmonary edema?

The chances of flash pulmonary edema are highly increased in that of a chronic opioid user and the administration of Narcan could be fatal.


So imagine this, one minute you’re just sitting back at a heroine party falling asleep in the corner when a couple of buddies notice you're starting to look like a dirty homeless version of poppa smurf that smells like popcorn shrimp and ass so they’re unsure if you’re dead or alive. They then decide that you’re not exactly breathing as well as you should and something should be done quickly!

They freak and flush your stash down the toilet and call 911. Two officer’s quickly show up pitching a tent with life saving boner’s and some nasal Narcan ready to save the day blasting you in the face with everything they got in a NASAL NARCAN BUKKAKE!

So what happens here? What your buddies thought was a simple party foul now becomes a party favor like popping off a cork on a bottle of pink moscato Champaign on New Years night! Bam! Flash pulmonary edema!

This is both fun for the whole party and a shock to officer dangle who meanwhile is vigorously trying to put away his dick before the paramedics arrive and he has to explain what happened.

That being said, maybe the more appropriate method would be to give first responders a BVM to assist ventilations until EMS arrive which is both safe for the patient and effective.

With the use of medical marijuana coming into favor for management of pain rather than medications that have potential for abuse, overdose, liver and kidney damage I am curious to see how it will all play out. Who will be the first pothead passed out eating a bag of Funyuns to get Narcaned by law enforcement?

Don’t get me wrong, police definitely serve a purpose and there are many great police officers out there that truly make a difference and do an outstanding job but maybe we should leave patient care for opioid overdose in the hands of medical professionals and let the police do the job they were meant to do by enforcing the laws against a scheduled II controlled substance and possibly prevent overdoses before they happen. Despite popular belief that Narcan is relatively safe, Narcan does have side effects and there are certain considerations that should be taken before giving it as well as training, skills, equipment for patient management that you should have readily available should something go wrong.


So with that I will wrap this up with a big shout-out to drug dealers everywhere no matter if you are a doctor handing out pain medication like candy on Halloween, a pharmaceutical representative or you just sling heroine on the streets, I would like to Thank you for your effort in keeping natural selection alive!

As for you NARCAN, you sexy little Darwinism cock blocker! You are a true lifesaver, keeping this party rocking like it’s 1999 since 1961!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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