Lies. Damned Lies and Newspapers

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Alcohol giants Heineken have announced record profits this year thanks to improved sales of non-alcoholic drinks. We at Back and to the Left news believed that the only non-alcoholic beverage available was water, and we get that from the sea. So how have Heineken managed to trick millions of people into paying for something they could literally get from the sea? For free. What’s their secret?

Of course, having our press licences and credentials stripped from us early last year hasn’t helped our “fact gathering” without official licenses. Following people round and yelling questions at them on the train is apparently “harassment”. We had them removed because some of our stories might not be properly “fact checked” or be “full of baseless lies and endless personal vendettas”

But what is journalism without personal vendettas and poorly-sourced facts? Where would the Daily Mail be without its endless, baseless lies about immigrants and black people? How would the Sun be able to shift copies without blaming getting caught at red traffic lights on Muslims from the EU?

So we ask the press regulation committee this....why is it only us who get punished? The Sun literally published a photo with one of the people in it airbrushed out to make it look like a politician was dancing a jig of joy during a memorial service and all they had to do is say sorry. Now we publish one photo of Theresa May masturbating with wads of cash originally earmarked to give poor kids free school dinners, and were branded “immoral”. She’s the one who took the cash away from hungry children, literally stealing from their mouths, and we’re punished for pointing that out and showing what she is possibly doing with it.

We understand that newspapers in this country have always been incredibly reactionary (blame the Jews! Blame the Irish! Blame the Muslims! Blame the EU! Anyone else seeing a pattern here?) and a good percentage of the population can’t function without a good solid rage erection of hate each morning. So to keep ahead of other outlets that probably produce better quality stories the Sun and the Daily Mail have got to steal an edge somehow, normally to twist the facts just enough so your 50-year-old shirtless football fan can get nice and angry before he tries to hit on the company receptionist all day

Those two papers will continue to publish lies and outright fucking falsehoods as long as they want, while we make the suggestion that Jeremy Hunt collects children’s feet (he fucking does) and we lose our press passes to the FA cup final.

Double standards

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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