I am so sick of pretending...so get real. GAS is good. If you can't fart around the ones you love, they can't be trusted and must be killed.
I am constantly being surrounded by women that would have me believe that they never blow it out. Really? Give me a god damn break...these same women let strangers wax their crotch, but would never think to let one go in say...a crowded elevator or something. They're all cowards!
And who the hell decided that every woman wants to be a size 2? Fuck that entire idea! So, I'm supposed to want to kill myself, open a vein in my brain, because, at my age, I am a sensible size 10? Okay...there was that weekend when I blossomed to a size 12, but did you see ME crying or starving myself for the next 20 weeks? NO!
I have resolved that I need several sizes of clothing, NOT a daily dose of self-loathing. I could probably fart my way down to a size 10 if I really wanted to, anyway. I have heard that some people can fart a tune - now there's an idea! I'm thinking something festive would be nice. How about jingle bells with a twist...or jingle smells? Now I'm cookin' with GAS.