Dr. Quigley Answers Gentlemen's Health Questions

Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 10 August 2018


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Say aaah while I slip this in with my left hand

Dear Dr Quigley

I suffer from recurrent migraines, but my GP always wants me to give a sample of semen whenever I see her, and she insists on helping me. Is this right? S. Perm-Donor, Balham.
Lots of patients would love such personal service from their GP. It sounds like she is using the ancient Chinese practice of acuwankture to relieve your headaches and I am sure you feel much better afterwards. Keep up with the treatment. I will be writing to you for her surgery details.

My doctor says I need regular rectal examinations, but strangely has both hands on my shoulders while performing them. Should I ask for a second opinion? RC, Home Counties.
Well, RC, I see that you haven't given any details about your doctor. If it is a male doctor, then I think he might be pushing things a bit too far. If it's a female doctor, then she is having trouble with the strap on her instrument and should make it tighter. I think you should just knuckle down and take it like a man.

A gang of youths set upon me on the common, and now I have lost my Errol Flynn vibrator somewhere in my sigmoid colon. I don't want it removed, but I would like to change the batteries. What should I do? A. Cruiser, Clapham.
This is not an uncommon complaint, and youths are particularly prone to assaulting unaccompanied gentlemen in this way, so I am told, but it is unusual to lose what is the biggest model on the market. I am afraid that the only course of action is a major abdominal operation to remove the object, but there is a silver lining. It can be replaced with a mains-operated unit and the mains lead can be left easily accessible for future use.

My doctor told me that I would need to be intubated in the surgery and that it would need me to be under a light anaesthetic for this purpose. I was concerned that when I awoke, he was adjusting his flies, and I had a nasty taste in my mouth. Is this normal treatment for a verruca? Concerned, Cockermouth.
Intubation is indeed a common procedure for anaesthesia, although it is unusual for podiatry. It involves inserting a tube between the vocal cords and into the trachea in order to maintain an airway. It seems that the procedure was a success, at least for your doctor, so I would not unduly worry, although I would find a new GP if I were you.

I have, what is known as, a micro-penis, for which I am being treated at my local hospital. The consultant often uses me as an example for the medical students, but at a recent lecture I discovered that he was selling tickets to all and sundry, even the cleaners. Should I tell the General Medical Council? A. Smallun, Littlehampton.
Dear Mr. Smallun, come on! While you have my utmost sympathy, everyone likes a laugh now and again. Just let it go, and next time ask for a share of the proceeds.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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