Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 16 June 2018

image for 'Texas Chain Store Manager' Pulls Crowds In
Leatherface played by himself

Record numbers of movie fans have been packing into cinemas all over the US this weekend to see 'Texas Chain Store Manager', the new blockbuster from Disney.

The movie features mainly unknown actors from the Austin and Dallas areas, but early reviews have been favorable.

The storyline concerns a girl, Lesley, and her paraplegic brother, Wesley, who go to a chain store in Dallas to return a leather bag which is damaged. Their friends, Milly, Molly and Mally, excited about a trip to the city, go along.

A series of disasters befalls the group. First, they pick up a hitchhiker. He tries it on with Milly and Molly, and Mally kills him with a pocketknife, stabbing him 48 times visible to viewers, but dozens of times out-of-picture. They toss his body into a pond, and drive on, whistling.

Almost out of fuel, they stop at a gas station, but the owner tells them that the pumps are empty. They kill him by driving over him in their vehicle, backwards and forwards, over and over again, until his tangled body looks like a large piece of meat. They syphon gas out of his vehicle using his windpipe.

They see a house a couple of miles farther down the road, and raze it to the ground, then drive to the mall. When they get there, the five, with Wesley in his wheelchair, make straight for the bag shop with branches all over the state, The Texas Bag Chain Store. Lesley takes her bag and approaches the counter, but is absolutely horrified when a man who introduces himself as 'The Manager' confronts her with a face that looks like it has been made from leather. She fears she has made a mistake. Anxiously looking round, she sees nothing but power tools, saws, blades and piercing implements. 'Leatherface' explains that they no longer sell bags, and have diversified somewhat, so that they now sell big cutting tools. He apologises for not yet having had time to change the store's signage, then reaches under the counter and brings out a large chain saw, with which he decapitates both Wesley and Milly in one movement.

Lesley screams at him in the movie's defining moment:

"But I've even brought the receipt, Godammit!"

Mally is next. Leatherface slices him 'in half' from head to feet, giggling. Molly shrieks in terror, but this is cut short as Leatherface leaps over the counter and rams a power drill up against her temple, and 'lets her have it'. The drill bit can be seen passing behind her eyes as they are forced out of their sockets.

Lesley and her bag are left facing Leatherface in the movie's final scene, but I won't spoil the ending for you.

The film is rated PG.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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