Papyrus of Ezekiel's Last Prophecy Discovered

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Saturday, 25 April 2015

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Ezekiel's Tomb

Last year, archaeologists digging in Iraq near Al Kifi discovered what they claimed was the tomb of the Hebrew Prophet Ezekiel. World media made light of the find because it had always been believed that the great prophet was buried in England at Westminster Abbey where all the greatest men who have ever lived are buried.

They have since announced that they unearthed a manuscript of Ezekiel's that was concealed in a jar in the burial chamber. It may well be that the prophet had intended that his last predictions should come to light just at this time. Scientists and scholars have been hard at work on the text.

Ezekiel had previously prophesied that God would come and seat Himself on the throne in the rebuilt Temple of Solomon on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. The Desert Fathers of the seventh century, under the influence of magic mushrooms, made a connection between this event and the Theotokos or "Gate to Heaven" ie, The Virgin Mary. This latest finding would seem to corroborate this view, although some distinction must be drawn between God and his Mother, and how exactly they get along. And indeed, if either of them are on speaking terms with the Anti-Christ.

Although it has caused considerable consternation among those theologians who recently surveyed the text over drinks in Grogan's bar in Dublin, there are those who consider Isa (Muslim) or the "Messiah", to be very male, somewhere between a young Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis in "Die Hard 2"; and quite simply refuse any other possible interpretation of the biblical texts. They therefore reassert that The One destined to regain "the throne of Earth and Heaven" to be not the Anti-Christ as many Lutherans and bookmakers claim, but Jesus Christ Himself. This would be the Second Coming."

Leading Catholic theologian Fr. Patrick O'Toole speaking from his cell at Kilmainham jail said the new texts "are extremely seductive but only an irresponsible fool would fall for them at first glance. I have given up hope of a Second Coming ... and I am innocent of the first."

However, followers of the Venerable Prophet, Rabbi Ian Paisley, are adamant that "The Scarlet Lady" is the Anti-Christ referred to in the new prophecies, viz "The Whore of Babylon", once thought to have been Maggie Thatcher, and now believed to be Madonna without makeup.

Followers of the Goddesses Shakti and Parvati in India have no trouble believing in God manifesting as a female at all but had rather hoped She would have picked Delhi instead of Jerusalem as tourism in that city has suffered a setback of late, due to the first outbreaks of Ebola there and the poor performances of the national cricket team.

Here we reproduce, with kind permission of archaeologists Dr. Digger Graves and Prof. Hiram Spade, an excerpt from the scroll:

"And behold I saw a Lady covered in scarlet seated upon a throne of gold. She came to the hill from which she tooketh her name. Her eyes were like sparrows' eggs flecked with azure and her laughter maketh the wild jackals run from their lairs into thorny ravines. Behold, I didst see her coming from a distant land in a bird made of metal that gleamed in the sun, and that didst roar like a hundred lions as it flew through the air. And I heard it speak in its own voice - of death by drowning, of ropes for chairs and holy gates and how to get to them. It didst roar again as it landed on many wheels that breathed smoke while the obedient it carried in its stomach sang praises of thanks to the Blessed Virgin, her husband and her beloved Son, calling all three by name. Many camels then came to take away the innards of the bird that belonged to the Scarlet Lady."

"And she didst sit on the throne made of sapphire in the Holy of Holies in the Temple of Solomon; and all the leaders and scribes of the nations with great jubilation paid homage onto her. For she is the same as cameth into Alexandria and was crucified upon a wheel of which I had the vision: (Biblical scholars say this clearly predicts the coming of Catherine of Alexandria of the 4th century, the first female Freemason and precursor of the one "named after a hill".). Those that paid homage to Her Divinity bore the mark of the beast upon their foreheads that didst resemble the lightning sign of the priests of the Temple of Lloyds."

"Then removing her mitre crown of jewels and leaving aside the fiery box into which she didst whisper I didst behold The Scarlet Lady read from the book of Potter and explain the many mysteries and symbols therein. And all the nations of the world didst tremble beneath her power and her wisdom; save only the prophet Farage who spake onto them in a loud voice that for months he had made warning of this very event to the legions of Pharisees and moneylenders at the Temple of Mammon that was once Caesar's Palace, but they heeded him not. And now the World Ruler had been sent, disguised as a female, to fool the people and serve the will of the merchants of Babylon ... forever."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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