The Greatest Action Movie Ever.

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Friday, 5 December 2014


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Secret Agent Lance O'Flynn.

The film is about a young world middleweight boxing champion Lance O'Flynn who is also a black belt in Karate and who gets conscripted by MI6 to be trained as a special agent.

He shows himself a willing pupil and quickly masters seven languages plus quantum physics. His handsome Irish good looks and natural intelligence, as well as his ability to read the Kama Sutra in Urdu, make him a wow with the female staff at MI6, especially the married ones who have graduated from the romantic phase and now dream of a psycho-lover who is prepared to kill in order to get them a hamburger at three in the morning... in sub-zero temperatures.

On a recruiting mission to Ireland to weep over the graves of his ancestors who died in the famine of the 1840s Lance gets to meet Gerry Adams leader of the Irish Mafia known as Sinn Fein who introduces him to Shevawn Reagan a local barmaid who tells everybody her family is related to the late U.S. President, Lucifer Reagan. They hit it off among the metal beer kegs in the cellar.

Next day, in a jocular mood atop a haystack during a romantic encounter, Lance unthinkingly submits to Shevawn's suggestion to buy a ticket from the village post office for the national lottery. Lo and behold, Lance wins the first prize of fifteen million Euros. He is unaware that Shevawn has spent many ours praying for his success to the Blessed Virgin at a shrine in a turf field just outside of town.

Lance now has a moral dilemma. Should he continue in active service as a MI6 special agent or should he marry Shevawn instead and help her set up the business she has set her heart on since childhood... making upmarket Leprechaun Gnomes for sale to wealthy Americans?

Lance returns to London and informs his supervisor Peggy Enditall that he needs a year out to reconsider his future. She consents, knowing nothing of his new found wealth and not daring to ask where he got the gold chains around his neck, the diamond rings on every finger, the Gucci watches on both wrists; not to mention the bright green Ferrari with a stencil of a flaming redhead on the bonnet that she can see from her office window.

Shevawn however, who unfortunately committed slow suicide by later marrying an Irish poet with a drink problem, has had an effect on her lover. Lance decides to follow his childhood dream.... and be a musician.

In this venture, he is helped by Bono of U2 fame who warns him from the outset not to steal his beloved hat or he might have to go to jail for seven years and have his life totally ruined on compassionate grounds so that the world might be fed. Lance proves a good student and his skills on the keyboard, as well as taking the trouble, on Bono's advice, to join the Freeemasons, make his group "The Dumbasses" globally successful.

Flint embarks on the obligatory lifestyle of drugs and partying, which the director Phil Mi Pokkets says "shows some of the most explicit sex scenes ever filmed".

Tired of this self-destructive lifestyle that contributes many fight scenes in the film that the director says "shows some of the most explicit fight scenes ever filmed", Lance returns to MI6.

He gets himself back in shape and learns computer science, Hebrew and banking during lunch breaks. He is sent to Russia where he helps dethrone Putin and brings democracy single-handedly to millions of impoverished Russians who have nothing going for them but fur hats, bear baiting and vodka.

While in Moscow, he buys, would you believe?... a lottery ticket... and incredibly wins the lottery for a second time!

Said the director; "This is probably the most explicitly emotional scene ever filmed."

Lance meets Olga, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, at a cut-price off-licence in Moscow; and now has that old moral dilemma. Should he marry Olga and help her train deaf orphans to make ice sculptures... or should he return home and serve Her Majesty?

"The sequel", said the director, "will show some of the most explicit snow avalanches ever filmed".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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