Desperate Pig Hides All the Family Bacon

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

It all seemed so reasonably explainable for the Hawkins' 550 pound pig Larry. At first his dad suddenly disappeared with no warning as well as the 600 pound pig Isabella.

"They eloped", Larry said to his self. "Yep, that's what happened, they eloped. Dad always had an eye for the really fat ones and Isabella made Rosie O'Donnell look like a super model".

Then his mom was gone the next day. Larry didn't worry about this either.

"She's out shopping for a suit for me", he said to his self with a smile. "Mom always wanted me to not be like my dad. She always said: 'Your father is not too bright. He just does not understand that there is no money in mud'".

However, when they did not return, Larry started to worry and out of curiosity, began edging towards the picnic table that the Hawkins sat at when they ate their daily meals when the weather was right. He watched Mrs. Hawkins bring out a big hand basked and put it on the table with a smile. He watched as some of the Hawkins' delved into bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches while the others chomped down the ham on rye with mayo sandwiches.

That was when Larry moseyed into the open kitchen door where an encyclopedia had been left laying open on the floor. Open to that page that had the title of "Bacon". He was horrified what he read and even more horrified when he turned to the page that was titled "Ham".

He had finally found out what had really happened to mom, dad and Isabella. They all were goning to hell in a hand basket.

Larry became desperate and out of duty to see that his parents and Isabella received a proper burial, waited until nightfall, when the Hawkins' were all asleep. He quietly snuck into the Hawkins' open kitchen door, opened the refrigerator door and emptied out the bins full of ham and bacon. He brought them outside and into the corn field.

He thought that the lighter colored ham and the bacon that had the most fat was definitely his dad. He thought that the darker colored ham and the bacon that had the least fat was his mom. He thought that the ham and bacon that was wrapped in a blue ribbon was Isabella. He buried it all, side by side in the corn field and went to bed.

What Larry did not think of was: How much ham and bacon can be gotten out of a 550 pound pig. Larry cannot answer that question now, but Mr. Hawkins sure can.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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