Pork Futures Skyrocket on Revlon-Cargill Merger

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

image for Pork Futures Skyrocket on Revlon-Cargill Merger
More pig fat for Revlon, less butt waste for Cargill

U.S. commodities markets were shocked over the news this afternoon about the pending merger between livestock producing giant, Cargill, with makeup powerhouse, Revlon. In perhaps the most unlikely of partnerships, pork futures rose sharply in heavy trading following the announcement proving once and for all, that you can successfully put lipstick on a pig.

While analysts struggled to find the logical link between the two companies, insiders seemed pleased at the direct connection in the supply chain for Revlon, which uses refined animal fat for many of its makeup products. "Yep, we can ship off that bacon fat direct to New York now", says Cargill Pork Belly Rendering Engineer, Titus P. Sooey. "Nothing is better for the skin or lips like a little pork belly or pork butt fat, yessir".

Fashion television networks also picked up on the news but were less enthusiastic about the upside of the merger, remaining in denial over the actual source of their beauty products. "It is what it is", said the philosophical Sooey. "We don't care much for the way they make soap either, but once a week whether I need it or not, the pitts and the twins get a scrub. Them ladies would do best to forget how lipstick is made and just put it on".

Asked if the boys down at the pork processing plant ever tried putting lipstick on a pig, Sooey replied, "Actually we tried it on a sow in heat, but I don't think it mattered much to the boar. He was done and off her in about 20 seconds. The makeup just don't matter at that point."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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