It's happened to all of us at some time or other - a screaming outbreak of diarrhoea and sickness after a seemingly pleasant night out around the town, or, if you're completely out of luck, during one.
Terrible, isn't it? Diarrbolical, some might say.
But it's not all bab news, and many people fail to recognise the hidden benefits of a bout of d and s.
First, for example, there's the opportunity to have a day off work. Not something to be sniffed-at - that would be a cold.
And then, of course, there's the benefit of having a good, old-fashioned 'clear-out', a bowel purge of all the naughty things you've been shoving down your gullet for the last three weeks.
Immediate weight loss is something else that few people consider as they sit astraddle the porcelain throne, waiting to paint it brown. A heavy attack of the shits can, 'in two hours', produce the kind of results that six months' tortuous dieting has failed to achieve.
Your friends WILL be impressed!
You will also be able to repel the unwanted visits of family and friends by mentioning your 'unfortunate condition' - nobody wants to spend time in the company of someone who is not in control of their own arsehole!
If you are a woman - and, as funny as it seems, women also suffer from 'rusty water' - there is the added extra of not having to cook your husband's next meal.
YOU can't face food - why should HE? Send him to the pub. That way, you get unlimited TV viewing of your choice!
The last benefit of having an unexpected bout of diarrhoea and sickness, is a rarity, but worth bringing up, especially if you are a frequent air traveller. If you fall ill whilst on a plane, fear not, and try to use it to your advantage. Stagger and lollop about as you come off the flight, and try to attract the attention of the Ground Services Crew. Get them to put you in a wheelchair, and whisk you to - and straight through - the cumbersome 'Arrivals' process, avoiding lengthy queues and, almost certainly, Customs - handy, if you're carrying some prohibited item or other in your bag!
Just remember, a bout of diarrhoea and sickness isn't exactly pleasant, but use your imagination, and see if it's possible to 'turn the tables'.
As they always say:
"Arse down, chin up!"[
