Written by Dave Henry

Saturday, 17 March 2018

image for New Study Finds That Punching Walls Hurts Your Hand

A new study by the Center for National Studies has found that people who punch walls are likely to hurt their hands.

This breakthrough research took the scientific community by surprise as it was previously believed that punching a hard, immovable object would have no impact at all on one’s health.

“Never before has science examined the impact that wall punching has on the hand,” said David Borealis, professor at the University of Maryland at Los Angeles or UMLA. “We think this important research could help save hands from getting bruised.”

For the study, Borealis and his team conducted tests on mice. In a controlled environment, using the cement wall in the university’s bathroom, they asked mice to punch the wall with their little clawed fists.

The mice, unbelievably, reacted negatively to the impact. They had bruises on their little paws after repeated punching until the point where they started to say “ouch!”

“The other thing about this study is that we learned that mice follow directions really well and are able to speak some English,” said Borealis.

The researchers believe that if extrapolated out, humans would also hurt their hands if they punched a wall.

“We will not tell anyone not to punch a wall, because that is your right,” said Borealis. “Some people punch walls on a daily basis out of pure enjoyment. We’re just warning the medical community that they should caution their patients about the risks of such activity.”

Radnor Pharmaceuticals is currently working on a drug that will allow people to keep punching walls. The drug, Wallpunchio, will make the hand stronger and more padded, like a Popeye hand, to combat the effects of wall punching. It will also help fight acid reflux and cure certain cancers.

“We don’t think that people should stop doing what they enjoy just because it’s not good for them,” said Radnor CEO Dan Davis. “Wallpunchio will afford them the freedom to keep punching cement walls.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Health, punch




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
82 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more