EPA "Skinning the Cat" of American Business

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Saturday, 1 January 2011

image for EPA "Skinning the Cat" of American Business
The EPA _WILL_ end Carbon emission by US cities.

WASHINGTON DC - Some people were suspicious when the EPA was allowed to declare Carbon Dioxide as being equally toxic as Cyanide, Mercury, and the pesticide DDT. More people became suspicious when Secretary of the Interior Department Ken Salazar was allowed to falsely represent the findings of seven scientists and engineers as cover for authority to close all US oil production in the Gulf.

After courts ruled that the "Drilling Moratorium" violated Constitutional Law, the Obama administration continued to block oil production by re-wording their edict and "daring" Louisiana to take them to court again. The US Gulf Coast economy lost nearly 20,000 jobs, and almost $2 billion was eliminated from the money being spent in Gulf states. In addition, the US increased foreign oil dependence by $10 billion, and lost $20 billion in yearly GDP, which also meant the loss of revenue through taxes on wages, retail and petroleum sales, plus increased deficit spending for unemployment compensation.

Although US unemployment lingers near 10%, President Obama reasserts his efforts to strangle American business, as after the November elections, saying "Cap-and-Trade was just one way of skinning the cat ... I'm going to be looking for other means...." The unusual remarks continued for a couple of minutes until The Teleprompter was plugged into its power-strip and restarted.

President Obama: It's like this ... there's a new master in the White House, and the Capitalist dogs better learn to obey, or they're gonna' get beaten, and beaten, and put in their cages ... <chuckling> like in a story I heard on Michael Vick.

In the final weeks of December, the EPA appointed itself as the Supreme Regulating Authority (SRA) over all Carbon-connected products and processes in Texas. Assistants to Texas Governor Rick Perry report that Lisa Jackson of the EPA called his office to inform him that "[the EPA] will track how much he breathes, every time he takes a sh_t, and we'll f_ck him up if he forgets he's nothing but a pimple on rat's _ss."

Most US media dismissed Jackson's remarks as "ordinary DC political posturing." However, the Heritage Foundation expressed concern over an Executive Order from President Obama just before the New Year which states: "All thermonuclear devices in the US inventory are to be cross-classified as Mass Environmental Cleansing Devices (MECD), and may be employed for environmental protection where conventional methods of discouraging carbon emission do not meet Federal mandates."

Political analysts expect this recent Oval Office transfer of power to the EPA to result in an astronomical elevation of GOP opposition to the "Big Government" policies of the Democrat Party.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more