Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Love Naked Geometry

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 19 November 2010


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Great News Kids: Robert And Kristen Find Textbooks A Turn-On!

"Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are the sexiest geeks in town! They bring tragic vampyre passion to the field of abstract math and topology. They like nothing better than to strip totally naked at their bohemian apartment in Much Wenlock, Shropshire, England, UK and go straight for the jugular with some serious homotopy shit. These kids are genuine bloodsucking boffins!

Now for the first time we can bring you exclusive access to an excerpt from their favourite magazine about homotopy, which is a branch of topology, which is itself a branch of math concerned with spatial properties that are preserved when continuous deformations of objects take place.

'Just perfect for these sexy shapeshifting spectres', we hear you all cry! We think you're sure to agree that these two nude knowledge-seekers really put the eek into geek! Why not have a naked childe-vampyre sexy science party and share the thrill with fellow naked Twihard nerds? Strip off and do the science like Robert and Kristen! Enjoy!"

- Theo J Swimbladder III, Editor, Piffle Magazine


Greetings, homotopy fans!

This month, in response to a request from Nigel Tympanum-Williams, of Ruthin, Denbighshire, we feature a cohomotopy groups drivel spotting enigma.

Nigel: a special presentation pack of forgetful functors and a category of small categories car sticker are already on their way to Denbighshire!

Right, homotopy fiends, here we go. Below we list some facts about cohomotopy groups. One of the 'facts' is not a fact at all, but pure and utter drivel, invented by ourselves.

Can you spot the cohomotopy group drivel in the list? Why not be a cohomotopy drivel spotter? It's more exciting than spotting trains or birds!

If you can spot the cohomotopy drivel, then you will be able to choose between one of the following STAR PRIZES:

  1. the use of an imaginary Tibetan Yak-skin Coracle for a day (free choice of waters with unlimited mileage)
  2. an imaginary wicker effigy of Sir Peter Badge, founder of the UK Coracle Society
  3. an imaginary infinitely-small space

Ready? On your drivel-spotting marks! Here's your cohomotopy group facts:

* π p(S q) = π q(S p) for all p,q.

* For q = p + 1 or p + 2 ≥ 4, π p(S q) = Z2. (To prove this result, Pontrjagin developed the concept of framed cobordisms.)

* If f,g: X → S p has ||f(x) - g(x)|| < 2 for all x, [f] = [g], and the homotopy is smooth if f and g are.

* For X a compact smooth manifold, π p(X) is isomorphic to the set of homotopy classes of smooth maps X → S p; in this case, every continuous map can be uniformly approximated by a smooth map and any homotopic smooth maps will be smoothly homotopic.

* If s = j,g: X[p] has f(x,j) for all j, g is \sulijnim_k{(f,k:g+s)}, covin being in unijection to co-dimornially framed infolds (It was Lebreuve who proved this by reference to cobinal superleminals, in terms of free interior layerings (k:g,s).).

* If X is an m-manifold, π p(X) = 0 for p > m.

* If X is an m-manifold with boundary, π p(X,∂X) is canonically in bijection with the set of cobordism classes of codimension-p framed submanifolds of the interior X-∂X.

* The stable cohomotopy group of X is the colimit

\pi^p_s(X) = \varinjlim_k{[\Sigma^k X, S^{p+k}]}
which is an abelian group.

Good luck, homotopy hounds, and remember, as Henke Trammel, Professor of Applied Fustian at the University of Ghent, said:

"Compactified bundling has a lot to answer for: the compactly generated space we call 'my head' is nothing more or less than an unbundled potentiality. There is no need for recourse to the Lorenzian Manifold."

***Eagle-eyed readers will have noted a certain preponderance of imaginary, and coracle-based, content in the list of star prizes in this issue. This is due to unavoidable procurement difficulties and increasingly-restrictive budgetary parameters. However, we are excited about our new association with vampyre sex symbols, which we trust will be more lucrative than that with those arcane hieroglyphics used in mathematical notation. - Glyn Torus, Editor

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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