Dozens of body doubles auditioned for Kristen Stewart's intimate, naked honeymoon scenes

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 9 November 2010


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Kristen Stewart body doubles: 'no ugly tattoos, dodgy birth marks, scorch marks or carpet burns'

Hollywood - (Nude Ass Mess): "Facially, some of them looked more like grizzly bears than our own beloved Kristen," Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon said today, "bodily, however, they're all dead ringers."

The movie man was addressing a press conference about the pitfalls of getting right the tricky business of female stunt doubles.

"It's a hellish task," Condon (sic) admitted, "assessing over fifty naked Kristen Stewart lookalikes under the remorseless glare of harsh studio lighting.

"But heck, someone's gotta do it!"

Condom has sympathised with his head of casting today as news of Stewart's body double wannabes was leaked to the media.

"In the end we whittled down the audition to twenty professional stunt actresses for Bella's naked honeymoon sex scenes," Condon explained.

"The talent spotting agency who sent us these amazing ladies said they'd all been put through their paces...just to make sure no ugly tattoos, birth marks, scorch marks or carpet burns were tainting their bodies.

"Sure, we had to do some extra checks ourselves, it's in the studio smallprint!"

Condom also hinted that more than one stunt double appears in the steamy honeymoon sequences.

"We felt it important to take advantage of some pretty sensational acrobatic skills from quasi-professional body contortionists Maisie Crotchsplitt and Afton Bluetitz," Condom recalled.

"But you'll never be able to tell the difference thanks to lighting tricks, camera angles and one helluva lot of facial depilatory!"

The movie opens on November 16 with a lavish premiere in London's Leicester Square.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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