No News At Ten

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 18 July 2009

image for No News At Ten
'Breaking non-news. No news has happened since March'

[Cue cheap music and cheap computer graphics]

'This is the News at Ten'

[Bong!] 'No news in Britain for over a month!'

[Bong!] 'Complete lack of Government policies bores people to death'

[Bong!] 'The Army are shamefully not defending the UK but sending soldiers to die for opium supplies in Afghanistan'

[Bong!] 'And how ITN newsreaders put on nauseating smirks before reading out another cringeworthy 'amusing' 'and finally' tale'

'Good evening. It emerged today that Britain has not had any news for over a month, and news stations have resorted to endless waffle and soundbites from faceless nobodies like Gordon 'Why am I PM?' Brown, and David 'Cardboard Cutout' Cameron. And ITN executives strongly denied that having two newsreaders to read no news at all was overstaffing. Here's our No News Is Good News correspondent in Leicestershire, Jeraboam O'Le.'

'Yes, thank you, Methusaleh. Here in Leicester police were called out last night at 2 a.m., after a suspicious news story was seen lurking outside Lineker's Goat Emporium in Paint Dry Street. An Armed Irresponsible Unit was called out, but at 3 it emerged that nothing had actually happened. Which meant that a team of over 30 ITN journalists were rushed to the spot immediately, and we'll be spending the next fortnight filling in our expenses claim forms for the trip. Anna.'

'Thank you. Thank you, oh so terribly, terribly much, I am indebted to you for this, Methusaleh, tears of gratitude run down my face at your noble and selfless act of handing back to me in the studio, and I will marry you and have your children next week for this.'

'Now, on a lighter note, anyone for tennis? Yes, it emerged in another merger that men's tennis is no longer just a bunch of upper class gits poncing around on grass playing a girls' game badly, but is a serious sport. Here's our Desperate To Find A Sport England Can Win At correspondent, Johnny Walker.'

'Well, it's all smiles here at the All England Losers Club, football, golf, cricket, rugby, the English are the world's greatest at losing them all. But now with Andy Murray winning Wimbledon, even though he's not English -'

'Sorry to interrupt you, Johnny, we have a breaking non-news story here in the studio. It has just been announced by an announcer that American President Barack Obama has agreed to travel abroad endlessly to allow ITN to fill in its gaps with pictures of him waving, smiling, waving, waffling and smiling, otherwise we'd run out of stuff to pad out this half an hour of lack of news. Anna.'

'Alexandrei. After the break - [Bong!] Bongs may be legalised by the year 3,010 [Bong!] Harmless Middle Eastern countries 'a threat to MoD budgets, unless scaremongering is increased', says Minister of Defence Sir Faceless Fiddler [Bong!] Norwich by-election postponed til next year, due to lack of interest [Bong!] And how a cutesie ickle, wickle baby piranha fish was caught in the River Trent by a schoolgirl, whose dad is a dab hand at doctoring photographs with Piccoshop, so we'll show the pics as evidence'

[Self-important music, adverts follow:

'Are you tired of television news being the same old crap every day? Tired of it being non-story after non-story, plus journalists reading out lots of Labour Party press releases? Sick of pointless pictures of Barack Obama waving at Europeans all the time for no reason? Then why not try New Improved Off Button.

We gave an old On Button to Mrs Cretinia Pavlova of Dorset, and a New Off Button to Mr Somebrains in Devon, and soon ITN executives' bonuses were being slashed and electricity bills were falling, as Mr Somebrains used his button to switch off the ITN News. But Mrs Pavlova had no choice but to sit every night and watch non-story after non-story, plus journalists reading out lots of Labour Party press releases, and, of course, pictures of Barack Obama waving at Europeans for no reason.

'Quite remarkable!', Mr Somebrains said. 'To think I used to actually watch ITN, I must have been off my trolley, it's complete and utter bullshit every night! Thanks to my New Off Button I won't be doing that again, no way Robin Day!' But Mrs Pavlova wasn't so happy. 'You mean I'm stuck with endless stories about Brown/Cameron/Prince Charles/Barack Obama/piranha photos/Wimbledon and Michael Jackson, not to mention 'and finally's? Not sure I can go on ...'

New Improved Off Button, puts the Off back into Oftel.']

'Welcome back. For the next 12 minutes we'll be padding out this programme with lots of crap about the weather, sports nobody is interested in, propaganda about the latest boo-hiss Third World pantomime villain the government has told us to go on about, and, of course, an 'and finally' story we've made up to make you all go 'awwww', before throwing up your egg foo yung on the carpet in nausea at it. Anna Kournikova von Habsburg O'Mbele-Ffjordsson.'

'Thank you, Jim. Heavy rains surprised nobody across the United Kingdom today, nobody except for ITN, of course. My manager had a near coronary when he heard it had rained in July here, but still managed to bravely send a reporting team to film the weather in Essex, which was wet. Jimbo.'

'Thank you, Ann. Well, that just about wraps it up - oh, there's still 8 minutes to go, hmm. Fancy a game of charades to fill in the time?' 'OK. A film. Oh, a television show. Two words. Cricket? No. Baseball? T? Test! OK. Birthday? Letter? Card! Test Card! The test card, a programme more interesting and intelligent than ITN news. Yay!' 'Good night.' 'Good night.'

[More cheap music, followed by local news full of non-stories that not even the non-news team of ITN are interested in]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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