SAN FRANCISCO, CA - It's been just over a year since John Q. Tickenbaum, 39, watched Pushing the Human Body's Limits on Discovery's Channel, but he claims the program fundamentally changed his way of thinking about stress and anger, ultimately transforming his entire life.
"I used to have an anger management problem," says Tickenbaum. "Now, I don't even try to hold back anymore. In fact, I stay pissed off just about 100% of the... Hey, are you looking at me funny? Don't even mess with me, dude, for real! Hey!! Quit smiling!! I'm SERIOUS, mother fff..." he bellowed, cutting short as he lunged across the table.
When our reporters were able to calm down Tickenbaum, he told us how he had learned from the Discovery's Channel special that every human brain has many different areas handling many different functions at any given time. However, he noted that during times of moderate to intense stress, the portions of the brain controlling less critical functions begin turning their attention toward whatever is causing the stress, giving one a sense of perceived time dilation.
"You know how, when people describe some traumatic event," he explained, "they say things like 'everything was moving in slow motion,' or 'my whole life flashed before my eyes?' It's because when that adrenaline kicks in, all those other parts of your brain are there with you in the moment, perceiving things instead of controlling functions that can pretty much run themselves for a while. In a sense, you can actually pack more life into a single minute that way, so by giving in to anger instead of repressing it, I'm pretty much living my life to the fullest now!"
At this point, we called Mr. Tickenbaum's attention to numerous studies indicating that constant exposure to stress can cause a variety of stress-related illnesses, as well as exacerbate other serious medical conditions, often shortening the human lifespan considerably.
Tucker Fudpucker, assistant editor for The San Francisco Onion, resigned from his post shortly thereafter, having suffered a chipped tooth and badly busted lip in the ensuing melee.
"GOD!! These stupid stories! I'm SICK... and TIRED... of this bullsh*t!!" he exclaimed, pounding the table with each pause for emphasis, his voice only slightly muffled by the bloody handkerchief he held to his still-trickling lip that was now also beginning to swell. "Aaarrrrggghh!!"