Written by TenaciousP

Sunday, 3 June 2007

image for Paris Hilton's Prison Cell To Resemble Awesome Club Scene
Paris Hilton

In a bid to ease the fears of billionaire hotel heiress Paris Hilton, Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that her cell will be gutted and rebuilt into a hedonistic drunken party.

Having feared alienation from her social life, Schwarzenegger announced his intentions to make Hilton's sentence not a stay in the slammer, but "a slammin' party!" that will make her "feel more at home." The reconstruction, costing 5.5 million dollars, will be carried out by other inmates, and see the removal of a typical concrete bed and installation of a luxurious four poster with sheets exclusively designed by Roberto Cavalli.

The bed will be littered with cigarette butts and condoms, and also feature a couple permanently engaged in sexual congress for the duration of Hilton's 23 day term. The toilet will also be replaced with a cubicle featuring credit cards and sixty thousand dollars' worth of Cocaine- and Lindsey Lohan, who will constantly repeat the mantra "Ohhhh my Gawd!" before rolling her eyes and performing a party trick, rumoured to be the smoking of a cigarette in her anus.

Music will be provided by a different DJ every night, whom Hilton may sleep with if she so chooses. Finally, the reconstruction will be completed by the removal of the barred window. Taking its place will be a 50 inch luxury plasma television. Hilton's friends will be filmed at an actual party, and Hilton herself given a microphone so that she may feel as if she is actually conversing and dancing drunkenly with them.

The idea follows increasingly erratic behaviour from the Simple Life star, who feared the harshness and discomfort of prison. To quell her worries, Schwarzenegger agreed to the reconstruction, adding that it "would change her life."

Critics have argued that the move makes a mockery of a prison sentence, to which Schwarzenegger responded that they have "got to be considerate of Hilton's needs" before firmly adding "but she will only recieve 1 ply toilet paper- just like the other inmates."

Upon hearing the news, Hilton described the remodelling as "seriously hot", and is rumoured to have compiled a guest list of several thousand friends.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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