Study Reveals Actual Uses for General Motors OnStar System

Funny story written by Creepy McSordid

Monday, 11 July 2005

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The No-Think Link

OnStar is the latest in technology for in-vehicle safety and security systems. In fact, OnStar brings together emergency service providers, wireless telephone, and satellite technologies to help protect drivers on the road and this option is now considered standard on many General Motors vehicles.

From the preliminary data pulled from several OnStar information collection centers, social sciences professor Dr. Sandeep Garaventa, and neurological studies professor Dr. Shinsuke Onikawa of the University of Michigan’s ‘Contemporary Human Development’ department compiled their report which was released to the public just last week. This report entitled, “OnStar: Our Last Hope for Stupid People Who Still Have Driver’s Licenses” details the disparity between GM’s intentions for their OnStar technology and the actual use by vehicle owners has overwhelmed research teams around the nation.

“American drivers really ARE idiots and I don’t mean that lightly,” said Dr. Garaventa. His findings showed the millions of dollars poured into OnStar’s research and development to coordinate emergency technology is actually being used to unlock the car doors of drivers who have accidentally left their keys in the ignition. Further, the overwhelming amount of drivers who contact OnStar “just to ask how OnStar works is alarming” Dr. Onikawa mentioned to the Detroit media last Tuesday. “Many people who call the OnStar operators openly state they didn’t have the time or the desire to read their operations manual and asked if the operator could just explain “how this whole OnStar thingy works” while the driver sat in the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s.

The most telling statistic for the data from 2004 was: of the 922,412 OnStar subscribers, only 9 people had actual emergencies where someone in the vehicle needed immediate medical attention. It was determined that 43,617 people asked for the OnStar operator to remotely open their car door and another 27,143 asked for directions to a location within an eight-mile radius of the driver’s home. Over two thousand men admitted to calling the OnStar operator for detailed instructions, although they had maps of their eventual location inside the car and that these men readily admitted to “really enjoying hearing the voice” of the female operators.

“What does this mean for us as a civilization? How can so much technological effort and such a staggering financial investment result in thousands of people contacting a satellite services operator to order a Dominos pizza to arrive at their home at the same time the driver does?” asked a stunned Dr. Onikawa. “I guess I would say my hope for humanity has been forestalled by the outcome of this report and I am actually embarrassed to share the same planet with so many morons. No wonder I was able to fly through Columbia’s [University] bio-medical program in only 3 years!”

In a world where several million people in poor countries wait months for clean, bacteria-free water, “to see thousands of Americans using technology to offset their refusal to think for themselves is a tragedy of colossal proportions” said Dr. Garaventa in complete confusion. Dr. Onikawa further stated, “at least this report won’t offend anyone in the U.S. as it is highly unlikely people will actually read it” when asked what the impact of his findings will have for the country.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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