Comprehensive Social Security Plan Enacted

Funny story written by Smeared Inc.

Thursday, 24 February 2005

President Busch and HHS Director Michael O. Leavitt unveiled a new plan to strenghten the Social Security system.

The plan is designed to solve a number of problems in a short amount of time explained Leavitt. We recognized early on that Social Security and a National Health Insurance Plan will go hand in hand. In fact our proposal for a national health plan will go a long way to solving the social security problem.

First off private health insurance plans will be eliminated in favor of a federally funded insurance mandate that states must implement. We realized that with the success of the "No Child Left Behind" it was only a matter of time until the public would demand the same strategy for health insurance, said Leavitt.

This new federal mandate will insure that states take responsibilty for managing the aging of their populations. We pointed out that only a 10% decrease in life expectency, along with a few other minor adjustments, would enable a fully funded social security system. In fact it was at the state govenors convention when the idea of making Vioxx and the other Cox2 inhibits over the counter medications that we realized the goal was obtainable. We thought that the FDA might pose a problem, but they thought it was a great idea. Newly appointed FDA director Dr. Lester Crawford explained that making the Cox2 class of drugs over-the-counter would remove them from regulatory scrutiny. "It'll make my job a lot easier. I intend to make a ruling immediately" he said to the assembled press. Pharmaceutical companies are not expected to contest the ruling, since congress passed the new legislation preventing lawsuits for OTC products that were formerly prescription medications. "These prescription medications have already undergone enough scrutiny" explained majority whip Roy Blunt.

"The only minor adjustment needed is increasing the social security withholding from an employees pay, but this is only necessary for those workers earning less than $50,000 a year" explained the president. He went on to explain that the increase is only 25% of what is currently withheld. "Since they won't live as long, we need that money now to help fund the current system. Those earning more than $50,000 a year won't see any changes since they will live and work longer, thereby contributing more to the system. Business won't be affected, this is strictly an employee benefit, so business will continue to contribute at the current rate, until it's reduced".

This new policy has been embraced by every segment of society and both parties. The right-do-die movement acknowledges the need for an early death benefit. And as far as the pro-choice movement, well it's just another choice to them, and we should all have the choice to do what we please with our own bodies. The southern baptists objected at first until they realized that anyone over 80 just wasn't viable anymore, and that death begins at misconception.

The only serious objection to the plan emerged from the elementary school lobby. "I don't know how I'll be able to start contributing to scoial security until at least 5th grade" explained Jimmy Montvale a 2nd grader and long time Washington lobbyist. My mommy said that $2 a day was all I'm getting for lunch money until I can get a paper route or something. Where am I going to get an extra twenty-five cents a week? It could be worse I guess, I suppose the democrats would want fifty-cents.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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