Bush says Social Security Funds are ‘Missing'

Funny story written by Evan Essence

Thursday, 19 May 2005

image for Bush says Social Security Funds are ‘Missing'

At a press conference on Tuesday, George Bush admitted that Social Security funds, which have been borrowed from heavily by 5 different administrations, are "somewhere", but at this point he is not entirely sure where. " Alan Greenspan has said that there is enough Social Security money there for 7 more years, and at this point," Bush said, " we just have to figure out who borrowed it, and where it is."

Barney Hampton, an economist at Harvard University said, "Its obvious there is no money there. The Federal Government is $7.7 Trillion Dollars in debt. How could there possibly actually be any money there?"

The government will continue issuing Social Security checks to the elderly. But the House Subcommittee on Deficit Spending issued a statement saying that it is not just seniors who are living on money that isn't there. The average US citizen has $20,000 of credit card debt. And the last round of US retail spending was financed largely by home owners taking out a second mortgage on their homes. This means that most of the nation's retail activity is based on nothing.

The US has long held the title of the world's largest debtor nation, with imports far exceeding exports. But earlier this year the Commerce department announced that the US has stopped exporting any manufactured goods, as the low cost of labor in third world countries has allowed them to manufacture everything overseas, more cheaply than in the US.

"At this point, the US economy is really based on nothing,". said Commerce Secretary Gutierrez.

All levels of government, City, County, State and Federal, are also in debt....meaning that they are paying out money based on nothing.

The banks say they will continue issuing credit, so the US consumer credit spending, will continue at its current pace, preventing retail activity from ceasing altogether. Fortunately these banks are backed up by the Federal Government, based on its debt of $7.7 trillion of nothing.

Two thirds of International investment firms say they will withdraw money from US government bonds this year, and invest that money in the European Union.

Since nobody else wants to buy American bonds, the Bush Administration is proposing a solution to this credit crunch, which they are calling the "Ownership Society". " We want Americans to be proud to take ownership of this big nothing. By buying into the US debt, and then investing it in the stock market, they can own a part of nothing. And since Americans like to buy on credit, we are planning to offer them a way to buy nothing, using nothing. So we are offering them a tax credit, whereby they can buy into, and take ownership of the US debt, with no money down, and pay for it later," Bush said.

The US debt is considered a good investment, by many, because it is the only thing that is guaranteed to keep going up.

In his address, Bush stated that he thinks we can keep this going for some time to come, if we can just keep up consumer confidence and consumer spending. To set the mood, Bush is proposing another $82 billion in military spending . "Defense is important," Bush said. "We have proven that you can get something for nothing. Now we have to continue to bolster the economy, and create more jobs, by pumping nothing into it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more